Why Children Take Things That Don’t Belong to Them

Understanding why children take things, and what they may really be communicating.

Imagine finding a small toy hidden in your child’s backpack.

Perhaps it’s a dinosaur from childcare, a colourful pencil from school, or a small figurine that you know doesn’t belong to your family.

Or maybe you discover an unopened chocolate bar tucked into their pocket after leaving the supermarket.

Your heart sinks.

“Why would my child do this?”

“Have I done something wrong?”

For many parents and caregivers, taking something that doesn’t belong to them feels different from other challenging behaviours.

It can bring feelings of embarrassment, disappointment, guilt, shame, and even fear. Some parents worry that this behaviour reflects poor character or wonder whether their child is becoming dishonest.

If you’ve ever experienced that sinking feeling after discovering your child has taken something that wasn’t theirs, you’re certainly not alone.

The good news is that, in most cases, this behaviour is not a sign that your child is “bad.”

It is a behaviour.

Not an identity.

Children aren’t born understanding ownership, honesty, empathy, or responsibility.

Just as they gradually learn to read, solve problems, regulate emotions, and wait patiently for something they want, they also learn to respect other people’s belongings. These skills develop over time through caring relationships, clear boundaries, repeated experiences, and opportunities to learn from mistakes.

Understanding why children take things doesn’t mean excusing the behaviour.

It means responding in ways that help them develop the values we hope they’ll carry into adulthood: honesty, empathy, responsibility, and respect for others.

Learning About Ownership Takes Time

Most adults take ownership for granted.

We know the difference between mine, yours, ours, and borrowed without thinking about it.

For children, however, these ideas develop gradually.

Learning that another person’s belongings deserve the same respect as our own relies on many different skills developing together. Children are learning to understand another person’s perspective, manage disappointment, control impulses, remember expectations, and think about the consequences of their actions.

Developmental psychologist Jean Piaget described young children as naturally egocentric. This doesn’t mean they are selfish. Rather, they are still learning to see situations through someone else’s eyes.

Building on this work, psychologist Lawrence Kohlberg showed that children’s understanding of fairness, responsibility, and right and wrong develops over many years. Moral reasoning isn’t something children simply “know”, it’s something they gradually learn.

At the same time, the brain is still under construction.

Research by developmental psychologist Adele Diamond shows that the skills responsible for planning, impulse control, flexible thinking, and self-regulation continue developing throughout childhood and adolescence.

Psychiatrist Daniel Siegel offers another helpful way of understanding children’s behaviour. He explains that when children experience strong emotions, excitement, frustration, or disappointment, the emotional parts of the brain can temporarily take over, making thoughtful decision-making much harder.

For children experiencing significant stress or adversity, these challenges can become even greater.

Psychiatrist Bruce Perry explains that children whose brains are focused on staying safe or managing overwhelming experiences often find it harder to regulate their behaviour.

Similarly, clinical psychologist Mona Delahooke reminds us that behaviour is often communication.

Instead of asking, “What’s wrong with this child?”, she encourages us to ask, “What might this behaviour be telling us?”

None of this means taking something that doesn’t belong to them should be ignored.

Rather, it reminds us that children learn respect through guidance, relationships, and opportunities to repair mistakes, not through shame alone.

Did you know?

Although children begin learning about ownership during the preschool years, the parts of the brain responsible for planning, impulse control, and considering consequences continue developing well into early adulthood.

How Children’s Understanding of Ownership Develops

Every child develops at their own pace, but understanding what is generally expected at different ages can help parents and educators respond with realistic expectations while continuing to teach honesty, empathy, and responsibility.

One thing that’s important to remember is that the way children take things often changes as they grow.

A toddler may happily walk away holding a toy in plain sight because they don’t yet realise they’ve done anything wrong.

An older child may quietly slip an item into their pocket or backpack, showing a growing awareness that taking it isn’t okay. Even then, knowing the rule and consistently following it are two very different developmental skills.

• Ages 2–4: “I Like It, So I Want It”

Imagine your three-year-old happily placing a little dinosaur into their backpack before leaving childcare.

As you head towards the car, you notice its tail poking out of the bag.

When you ask where it came from, your child smiles proudly.

“It’s mine!”

At this age, children are often guided by one simple thought:

“I like it.”

“I want it.”

They’re not usually thinking,

“My friend will feel sad if they can’t find it.”

That ability develops gradually.

Instead of saying,

“You stole that!”

you might say,

“I can see why you wanted to bring this dinosaur home, it is a great dinosaur! This one belongs to your friend, so it needs to stay here. I know that’s disappointing. Let’s put it back together. Remember your dinosaur at home? We can play with that one later.”

This teaches much more than ownership.

Your child is learning that it’s okay to want something without keeping it, that disappointment can be managed, and that other people’s belongings deserve respect.

• Ages 4–7: Learning the Rules

As children move into the early school years, their understanding of ownership becomes much clearer.

Most children now know that taking something without permission isn’t right.

The challenge is putting that knowledge into practice when emotions, excitement, or temptation take over.

Imagine your six-year-old comes home with a colourful novelty pencil.

When you ask where it came from, they quietly reply,

“I really wanted it.”

That simple sentence tells us a lot.

Rather than assuming dishonesty, we can hear that our child is still learning to manage a very human feeling: wanting something they can’t have.

You might respond,

“I can understand why you wanted it. It does look really special. Because it belongs to someone else, we’ll need to return it tomorrow. If you’d really like one, maybe we can put it on your birthday list or save up for one together.”

Moments like these teach children that all feelings are acceptable.

Not all behaviours are.

• Ages 8–12: Looking Beyond the Behaviour

By the later primary school years, most children have a well-developed understanding about fairness and that taking something without permission is wrong.

If it happens at this age, it’s worth becoming curious about what may be happening beneath the behaviour.

Imagine finding an expensive football card or another child’s special belonging hidden inside your child’s school bag.

Your first instinct might be to ask,

“Why did you take this?”

Instead, try opening the conversation with curiosity.

“I noticed this was in your bag. Can you help me understand how it came home with you?”

Perhaps your child tells you that everyone else has one.

Maybe they wanted to impress a friend.

Perhaps they acted on impulse and immediately regretted it.

Or maybe they’re struggling with something much bigger, such as bullying, friendship difficulties, anxiety, grief, or significant changes at home.

Looking beneath the behaviour doesn’t remove accountability.

It helps us understand what our child may need to learn, or what support they may need, next.

Why Children Take Things That Don’t Belong to Them

Every child is different, and there is rarely just one reason why they take something that isn’t theirs.

Sometimes it’s part of development.

Sometimes it’s driven by emotions.

Sometimes it’s an impulsive decision made in the moment.

When we understand the reason behind the behaviour, we’re in a much better position to teach the skills our children are still developing.

1. They’re Still Learning About Ownership

For younger children, taking something is often part of learning what ownership actually means.

Imagine a child leaving childcare proudly carrying a toy truck.

An educator gently says,

“That truck stays at childcare so everyone can enjoy playing with it.”

The child isn’t being punished.

They’re being taught.

The same is true at home.

Helping your child return a toy they accidentally brought home from a friend’s house teaches far more than calling them “naughty.”

Every calm, respectful interaction strengthens their understanding of ownership.

2. They Really Want Something

Sometimes the explanation is surprisingly simple.

Your child wants something.

Children experience desire just as intensely as adults do. They’re simply still learning how to cope with waiting and disappointment.

Psychologist Walter Mischel became well known for his research on delayed gratification. While later research has shown that children’s ability to wait is influenced by many factors, learning to manage strong desires remains an important developmental skill.

Rather than assuming entitlement, see it as an opportunity to teach.

Your child learns that wanting something is completely normal.

Taking it isn’t.

3. They Want to Fit In

As children grow older, belonging becomes increasingly important.

Developmental psychologist Erik Erikson described the primary school years as a time when children are developing confidence, competence, and a sense of belonging.

Sometimes the object itself isn’t what matters most.

It’s what the object represents.

Perhaps everyone in the class has football cards.

Matching drink bottles.

Or the latest novelty erasers.

Owning the same item can feel like having a ticket into the group.

Understanding that doesn’t excuse the behaviour.

But it does help us respond with empathy while still holding children accountable.

Instead of focusing only on the missing item, we might gently ask,

“Have you been feeling left out lately?”

Sometimes that question opens the door to a much bigger conversation.

4. They’re Meeting an Emotional Need

This is one of the reasons many parents find most surprising.

Sometimes children repeatedly take small objects not because they particularly want the object itself, but because it helps them meet an emotional need.

A child experiencing anxiety may collect little treasures because they feel comforting.

A child who has experienced trauma may seek objects that provide a sense of safety or control.

Another child may quietly keep something that reminds them of someone they miss.

Sometimes the object isn’t what the child is really seeking.

A small toy may represent comfort.

A shiny stone may become something predictable in an uncertain world.

A treasured pencil may feel like a way to belong.

When we become curious about the meaning behind the object, we often learn much more about the child.

This doesn’t remove the need to return the item.

It simply reminds us to ask,

“What else might my child need right now?”

Sometimes the object isn’t the real issue.

Sometimes it’s the child’s emotional world asking for our attention.

5. They’re Curious and Testing Limits

Children learn by experimenting.

They test physical boundaries when they climb.

They test language when they learn new words.

And they also test social boundaries.

Taking something can sometimes be another way of asking,

“What happens if I do this?”

Imagine an educator notices that a child has quietly slipped a small eraser into their pocket.

Rather than reacting with anger or embarrassment, they calmly say,

“I noticed this eraser ended up in your pocket. Let’s put it back together so everyone can use it.”

The child learns that mistakes can be corrected, expectations are clear, and adults are there to guide rather than shame them.

Whether we’re parents, caregivers, or educators, calm and consistent responses teach children far more than harsh punishments ever could.

6. Impulsivity Can Make It Hard to Pause

Sometimes children know exactly what the right choice is.

They simply act before they’ve had time to think.

This can be particularly challenging for children who experience difficulties with impulse control, including some children with Attention deficit hyperactivity disorder and other neurodevelopmental differences.

Impulsivity can make it harder to pause, think ahead, and resist an immediate urge.

Imagine your child walking out of the supermarket still holding a chocolate bar they picked up while waiting in the checkout line.

They haven’t hidden it.

They haven’t planned it.

They simply forgot they were still holding it.

Instead of assuming dishonesty, you might say,

“It looks like we accidentally walked out before paying for this. Let’s go back together and make it right.”

Your child still learns accountability.

They also learn that mistakes can be repaired.

Did you know?

Children are far more likely to learn from mistakes when adults remain calm enough to teach. Strong feelings such as fear and shame can make it harder for children to reflect, problem-solve, and develop self-control.

7. They’re Communicating Something Bigger

Occasionally, taking things can be a sign that something deeper is happening.

A child who suddenly begins taking things repeatedly after never having done so before may be telling us they’re struggling with something they don’t yet have the words to express.

Perhaps they’ve experienced bullying.

A family separation.

The arrival of a new sibling.

Grief.

Significant anxiety.

Or another major change in their world.

Behaviour is often children’s first language.

Before they can explain what’s happening inside, they show us through what they do.

If taking things becomes frequent, involves valuable items or money, continues despite consistent guidance, or is accompanied by noticeable changes in your child’s behaviour or emotional wellbeing, it may be helpful to seek support from a trusted professional.

Sometimes children don’t simply need a consequence.

Sometimes they need help making sense of what they’re experiencing.

Understanding Doesn’t Remove Accountability

Understanding why a child has taken something doesn’t mean we ignore the behaviour.

Children need clear, consistent boundaries.

They need to learn that other people’s belongings deserve to be respected and that our choices affect other people.

The goal isn’t to choose between empathy or accountability.

Children need both.

When adults respond with calm curiosity while holding firm boundaries, children are far more likely to reflect on their behaviour, learn from it, and make different choices in the future.

Repair Matters More Than Punishment

One of the greatest gifts we can give children is the opportunity to repair a mistake.

Repair is about far more than returning an object.

It’s about rebuilding trust, taking responsibility, and understanding how our actions affect other people.

Depending on your child’s age, repair might include:

• returning the item

• apologising in a way that’s appropriate for their age, such as saying sorry, drawing a picture, or making a simple apology card

• replacing the item if it has been lost, damaged, or eaten

• helping solve the problem in another meaningful way.

Imagine your child comes home with a toy from a friend’s house.

Instead of saying,

“You’re grounded!”

you might say,

“This toy belongs to your friend, so we’ll take it back together. We all make mistakes sometimes. What’s important is that we make things right.”

As children grow older, involve them in finding the solution.

“What do you think would help make this right?”

That simple question encourages empathy, responsibility, and problem-solving.

It also teaches one of life’s most valuable lessons:

Mistakes don’t define us.

What matters is how we respond to them.

Did you know?

Research suggests children develop empathy more effectively when adults focus on repairing mistakes rather than simply punishing them. Repair strengthens relationships while helping children understand the impact of their actions.

What Can Parents and Educators Do?

When a child takes something that doesn’t belong to them, try to see the moment as an opportunity to teach rather than simply to punish.

A few simple strategies can make a lasting difference.

• Stay calm.

Your child is more likely to learn when they feel safe enough to think.

• Be curious before making assumptions.

Instead of asking,

“Why did you take that?”

try,

“I noticed this came home with us. Can you help me understand what happened?”

• Acknowledge the feeling while keeping the boundary.

“I know you really wanted it.”

“It still needs to be returned.”

Both statements can be true.

• Focus on repair.

Help your child return the item, apologise in an age-appropriate way, and think about how they can make things right.

• Avoid labels.

Children are not thieves.

Children sometimes make choices that involve taking something that isn’t theirs.

There’s an important difference.

Separate the child from the behaviour.

Instead of,

“You’re a thief.”

try,

“Taking something that wasn’t yours wasn’t the right choice. Let’s work together to make it right.”

• Work together with other adults.

If the incident happened at childcare or school, a calm conversation between parents and educators/teachers helps children receive a consistent message.

The goal isn’t to embarrass the child.

It’s to help them learn.

A Gentle Reminder

Most children will take something that doesn’t belong to them at some point during childhood.

For many, it will happen only once.

For others, it becomes an opportunity to teach some of life’s most important lessons.

The next time your child takes something that isn’t theirs, pause before assuming the worst.

Instead, become curious.

Perhaps they’re still learning about ownership.

Perhaps they were overwhelmed by wanting something.

Perhaps they were trying to fit in.

Perhaps they acted before they had time to think.

Or perhaps they’re telling you that something bigger is happening beneath the surface.

Then ask yourself one question.

“What skill is my child still developing, and how can I help them learn it?”

That simple shift changes everything.

Children don’t learn respect for other people’s belongings through fear or humiliation.

They learn it through caring relationships, clear boundaries, consistent guidance, accountability, and opportunities to make things right.

Every mistake is an opportunity to teach.

Every act of repair is an opportunity to grow.

Further Support for Parents and Educators

Parenting doesn’t come with a manual, and every child is wonderfully unique. If you’d like to learn more about children’s behaviour, emotional development, and respectful ways to respond, these evidence-informed resources are a wonderful place to start.

Recommended Books for Parents and Caregivers:

The Whole-Brain Child: Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

An accessible introduction to children’s brain development, emotional regulation, and practical parenting strategies.

No-Drama Discipline: Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

A compassionate guide to setting boundaries while maintaining connection and helping children learn from mistakes.

Beyond Behaviors: Mona Delahooke

An excellent resource for parents, educators, and therapists wanting to understand behaviour through the lens of nervous system regulation rather than rewards and punishment alone.

What Happened to You? Bruce D. Perry & Oprah Winfrey

A gentle and thought-provoking introduction to understanding behaviour through the impact of stress, relationships, and early experiences.

The Explosive Child: Ross W. Greene

Although written primarily for children who experience significant behavioural challenges, the collaborative problem-solving approach is valuable for many families.

Raising Human Beings: Ross W. Greene

A practical guide to building stronger relationships while helping children develop responsibility and problem-solving skills.

Australian Resources:

Parental As Anything: Maggie Dent

One of Australia’s most trusted parenting resources, offering warm, practical guidance grounded in child development and connection.

The Aware Parenting Podcast: Marion Rose

Explores attachment, emotions, behaviour, and respectful parenting through an evidence-informed, compassionate lens.

Emerging Minds

A fantastic Australian organisation offering free articles, webinars, podcasts, and resources to support children’s mental health and wellbeing.

Raising Children Network

One of Australia’s most trusted evidence-based parenting websites, developed in partnership with leading child health organisations.

Stories That Encourage Conversations with children:

The books below aren’t specifically about taking things that don’t belong to us. Instead, they create meaningful opportunities to talk about empathy, belonging, honesty, responsibility, and making things right.

What If Everybody Did That? By Ellen Javernick

A fun and engaging story that helps children understand how their choices affect other people and why rules exist to keep communities safe and fair.

Have You Filled a Bucket Today? By Carol McCloud

A gentle introduction to kindness, empathy, and the idea that our words and actions can positively, or negatively, affect those around us.

The Invisible Boy By Trudy Ludwig

A beautiful story about inclusion, friendship, and belonging. It’s particularly helpful for children who may be seeking connection or acceptance from their peers.

The Bad Seed By Jory John

A wonderful reminder that children are more than their behaviour. It opens conversations about mistakes, personal growth, and making better choices without labelling a child as “bad.”

Enemy Pie By Derek Munson

A heartwarming story about empathy, understanding others, and repairing relationships. It encourages children to look beyond first impressions and resolve conflicts with kindness.

Those Shoes By Maribeth Boelts

One of my favourites for this topic. It explores wanting something everyone else has, managing disappointment, generosity, and recognising that our worth isn’t defined by our possessions. It pairs beautifully with the section on children taking things to fit in.

A Little SPOT of Honesty By Diane Alber

A colourful, child-friendly book that introduces honesty, responsibility, and making thoughtful choices in a simple and engaging way.

Podcasts

Parental As Anything

Hosted by Maggie Dent, this podcast explores common parenting challenges with warmth, humour, and practical advice.

Emerging Minds Podcast

Evidence-informed conversations with Australian child and family professionals covering emotional wellbeing, relationships, and child development.

The Play Based Learning Podcast

A valuable resource for educators and parents interested in learning through play, child development, and creating supportive environments for children.

The Baffling Behavior Show

Hosted by Robyn Gobbel, this podcast explores children’s behaviour through the lenses of attachment, regulation, and felt safety.

Good Inside with Dr Becky

Hosted by Becky Kennedy, offering practical, compassionate conversations about parenting, behaviour, and emotional development.

References

Diamond, A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135–168.

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond behaviors: Using brain science and compassion to understand and solve children’s behavioral challenges. PESI Publishing.

Erikson, E. H. (1963). Childhood and society (2nd ed.). W. W. Norton & Company.

Greene, R. W. (2014). The explosive child (5th ed.). Harper.

Kohlberg, L. (1981). The philosophy of moral development. Harper & Row.

Mischel, W. (2014). The marshmallow test: Understanding self-control and how to master it. Little, Brown Spark.

Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What happened to you? Conversations on trauma, resilience, and healing. Flatiron Books.

Piaget, J. (1932/1965). The moral judgment of the child. Free Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The whole-brain child. Bantam Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2014). No-drama discipline. Bantam Books.

This article is intended for educational purposes and should not replace individual advice from a qualified health or mental health professional. If you’re concerned about your child’s behaviour or emotional wellbeing, consider speaking with your GP, paediatrician, psychologist, or a Registered Child Play Therapist.

If this article resonated with you, you might also enjoy reading: Is My Child Lying? Understanding why children lie and what they may really be communicating.