Starting or Returning to School: Supporting Your Child Through Big Transitions

Starting school for the first time or returning after a break can feel like an exciting milestone for adults. For children, however, it is often a deeply emotional transition.

New routines, unfamiliar environments, separation from parents, changing expectations, and social demands all place pressure on a child’s developing nervous system. Even children who appear confident may experience worry, overwhelm, or emotional exhaustion beneath the surface.

It is important to remember:

Emotional responses to transitions are not a sign of weakness, they are a sign of adjustment.

Why Transitions Feel So Big for Children

Children experience the world primarily through their bodies, relationships, and play. Unlike adults, they do not yet have the cognitive or emotional tools to fully understand, label, and regulate complex internal experiences.

Attachment research highlights that children rely on their caregivers to help them feel safe, regulated, and understood, particularly during times of change (Bowlby, 1988; Ainsworth, 1979). When a major transition occurs, such as starting school, their sense of emotional safety may feel temporarily unsettled.

You may notice:

• Increased clinginess

• Tearfulness or irritability

• More frequent meltdowns

• Regression in independence

• Sleep difficulties

• Fatigue or withdrawal

These are not signs that something is “wrong.” They are signs that your child is working very hard internally to adapt.

Starting School for the First Time

For children beginning school, everything is new: the environment, the adults, the social expectations, the rules, and the daily rhythm.

Children may silently wonder:

• Will I be safe?

• Will my parents come back?

• Will I know what to do?

• Will I belong?

• What happens if I make a mistake?

Often, these questions do not come out in words, they emerge through behaviour.

One of the most powerful things we can offer children is emotional permission.

Rather than trying to reassure feelings away (“You’ll be fine!”), we can acknowledge them:

• “Starting something new can feel exciting and scary at the same time.”

• “It’s okay to feel unsure.”

• “I’m here with you.”

This kind of emotional validation helps children integrate their feelings rather than suppress them.

Returning to School After a Break

Returning to school after a holiday or long break can be just as challenging as starting for the first time.

Children move from a flexible home rhythm into a structured environment again, often with increased demands on connection, social interaction, and emotional regulation.

You may notice:

• Increased tiredness

• Greater emotional sensitivity

• Lower frustration tolerance

• Difficulty settling at bedtime

From a neurodevelopmental perspective, these reactions reflect a nervous system recalibrating (Porges, 2011; Siegel, 2012). They are not misbehaviour, they are communication.

The Role of Connection

Neuroscience and attachment research consistently show that children learn to regulate their emotions through relationships (Schore, 2012; Siegel, 2012). Before children can manage big feelings independently, they need repeated experiences of being soothed, understood, and emotionally held.

This is why connection before correction is so important.

Small daily moments matter:

• A cuddle before school

• A predictable goodbye ritual

• Sitting quietly together after school

• Five minutes of child-led play

• A gentle check-in before bed

These moments do not need to be long, they simply need to be emotionally present.

A Simple Activity You Can Try

You might like to try this gentle reflective activity:

Ask your child:

“What do you imagine school will be like?”

Invite them to draw their thoughts.

Then, draw something new you have experienced too.

This normalises uncertainty and opens emotional space without pressure. Let your child lead the conversation, there is no need to correct, fix, or reassure.

Play as Emotional Language

In play therapy, we understand that play is a child’s natural language (Axline, 1969; Landreth, 2012). Through play, children express fears, hopes, questions, and experiences they may not yet have words for.

At home, this may look like:

• Repetition of themes

• Acting out daily experiences

• Assigning you specific roles

• Wanting to replay moments

Rather than directing the play, allow your child to lead. This offers them a sense of agency, emotional expression, and integration.

Some lovely books you could read together include:

• The Kissing Hand by Audrey Penn

• Starting School by Janet & Allan Ahlberg

• The Invisible String by Patrice Karst

A Note for Parents

Transitions affect parents too.

It is normal to feel:

• Worry

• Guilt

• Sadness

• Uncertainty

• Pride

• Relief

Sometimes all at once.

Your child does not need you to be perfectly calm. They need you to be emotionally available.

When Extra Support May Help

If your child’s distress feels intense, prolonged, or significantly interferes with daily life, professional support may be helpful.

Play therapy provides children with a developmentally appropriate way to explore emotions, strengthen regulation, and feel deeply understood (Landreth, 2012).

A Gentle Reminder

Transitions are not problems to be solved, they are experiences to be supported.

When we slow down, listen, and connect, we offer children a powerful message:

Your feelings matter. You are not alone. And I am here with you.

If you feel your child may benefit from extra emotional support, play therapy can offer a safe and gentle space for them to explore their feelings, build emotional regulation, and feel deeply understood.

You’re very welcome to reach out!

How can I help?

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S. (1979). Infant–mother attachment. American Psychologist.

Axline, V. (1969). Play Therapy. Ballantine Books.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A Secure Base. Routledge.

Landreth, G. (2012). Play Therapy: The Art of the Relationship. Routledge.

Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory. Norton.

Schore, A. (2012). The Science of the Art of Psychotherapy. Norton.

Siegel, D. (2012). The Developing Mind. Guilford Press.