Sharing vs Taking Turns: What’s the Difference?
“You need to share!”
It’s something children hear all the time.
We might say it at the playground, at childcare, during a playdate or when siblings are arguing over the same toy.
But there is something interesting about the word sharing.
Sometimes what we actually want a child to do is take turns.
And those two things are not quite the same.
Understanding the difference can change the way we support children when they are struggling over toys, games and who gets to go next.
Because underneath these everyday moments are some pretty big developmental skills: understanding ownership, waiting, managing disappointment, negotiating, considering another person’s perspective and learning that relationships involve other people’s needs too.
Sharing and taking turns are different skills
Imagine two children playing with blocks. One child has a pile of blocks and offers some to the other child so they can both contribute to the same creation.
This is sharing: making resources available so someone else can join in.
Now imagine two children who both want to use the same toy car. One child is playing with it, while the other wants a turn. They need to work out when the toy will become available.
This is taking turns: waiting for access to something someone else is using.
Sharing is about giving another person access to something we have.
Taking turns is about managing when each person gets access to something.
They overlap, but they require different skills.
And this distinction can be especially helpful when we are supporting young children.
Why is sharing so hard?
For young children, ownership is a very real part of their developing understanding of the world.
“My toy.”
“My mummy.”
“My cup.”
“My turn.”
These words are not necessarily signs that a child is selfish.
They are part of learning about self, ownership and boundaries.
Toddlers are still developing the ability to understand another person’s perspective and manage strong emotions such as frustration and disappointment.
So when another child reaches for a toy they are deeply involved with, “Just share!” can be a very big request.
Australian parenting resource Raising Children Network notes that it is unrealistic to expect toddlers to share consistently. Preschoolers become better at understanding sharing, fairness and turn-taking, but they can still find it difficult when sharing means giving up something they really want.
This doesn’t mean we shouldn’t teach children about sharing.
It means we need to remember that sharing is a skill children develop, not a character trait they either have or don’t have.
“Sharing is Caring” — but is it always?
Many of us grew up hearing the phrase “sharing is caring”. And while sharing can certainly be an expression of kindness and generosity, I think it’s worth reflecting on the message we’re communicating when we expect children to give something up simply because someone else wants it.
When we insist that a child shares, we might unintentionally communicate that someone else’s wants are more important than what we’re doing, how we’re feeling or what matters to us.
We want children to learn generosity, not that being generous means always putting their own needs aside.
Caring about others doesn’t mean ignoring ourselves. It’s about learning to recognise that other people have feelings, needs and boundaries, while understanding that our own feelings, needs and boundaries matter too.
We can encourage kindness without demanding it. We can model generosity, help children notice other people’s perspectives and create opportunities for them to experience the joy of giving willingly.
Perhaps sharing can be an expression of caring, but caring also means recognising that everyone’s feelings and boundaries matter, including our own.
“But they need to learn to share!”
Yes! children absolutely benefit from learning how to share.
Sharing helps children participate in cooperative play, build friendships, negotiate and consider other people.
But children don’t learn these skills simply because we tell them: “Share.”
They learn through repeated experiences, modelling, play and having an adult nearby to help them work through difficult moments.
Think about how many things need to happen inside a child before they can successfully share:
I have something I want.
Someone else wants it.
They want something that belongs to me.
I don’t like that.
I feel frustrated.
I understand they want it too.
I can tolerate that feeling.
I can decide what I am comfortable giving.
I can communicate my choice.
That is a lot of development happening in one tiny interaction.
Taking turns involves something different: waiting
Taking turns asks children to understand a sequence:
Your turn → my turn → your turn → my turn.
It sounds simple to us because adults have had many years of practice waiting.
But waiting involves skills such as:
remembering the agreed sequence
holding an idea in mind
managing frustration
delaying what we want
paying attention to what another person is doing
trusting that our turn will come
coping when the other person’s turn takes longer than expected
These are still-developing self-regulation and executive-function skills.
Children are not born with fully developed abilities to manage attention, impulses and emotions.
These skills develop through relationships, experiences and practice over time. (Harvard Child Development Centre)
This is one reason simple turn-taking games can be so valuable.
You don’t need to wait until a child is having an argument over a toy to practise.
You can practise taking turns while:
rolling a ball
building a tower
adding pieces to a puzzle
playing a board game
taking turns choosing a song
pushing a toy car down a ramp
blowing bubbles
taking turns adding ingredients while cooking
playing “my turn, your turn” games
Turn-taking can actually begin much earlier than we sometimes realise. Even babies can participate in early back-and-forth interactions when an adult pauses and gives them an opportunity to respond. (Raising Children Network)
Does sharing mean giving up the thing you are using?
Not necessarily.
This is where things can become confusing for children.
Imagine your child is building a complicated Lego tower.
Another child walks over and says:
“Can I have the Lego?”
We might immediately say:
“Come on, share!”
But perhaps what we really want is for the children to play together.
Instead of taking the Lego away from your child, we could help them work out another possibility:
“You’re using the blue pieces right now. Would you like to give some of the other pieces to Sam?”
Or:
“You’re still building your tower. Sam would like to build too. What could we do?”
This gives children an opportunity to think about a solution rather than simply being told to surrender what they are doing.
Sometimes the solution might be sharing materials.
Sometimes it might be taking turns.
Sometimes it might be finding another toy.
And sometimes the answer might be:
“You’re not finished yet. Sam can wait.”
Children can have things they don’t want to share
This is an important one.
We sometimes communicate the idea that children should share everything.
But adults don’t usually work that way.
We have things that belong to us.
We have things we lend.
We have things we use together.
And we have things that we would rather keep private.
Children can learn that same distinction.
Raising Children Network suggests putting away particularly special toys before a playdate if a child isn’t ready to share them. This can prevent unnecessary conflict while also communicating that their belongings matter.
We can say:
“This is your special teddy. You don’t have to share it.
Let’s put it somewhere safe while your friend is here.”
This isn’t teaching selfishness.
It is teaching ownership and boundaries.
And children who understand that their own boundaries matter can also gradually learn that other people’s boundaries matter too.
“But that’s not fair!”
Ah, fairness!
This is where sharing and taking turns often become tangled together.
Children can have very strong ideas about what is fair.
But fair doesn’t always mean everyone gets exactly the same thing.
Sometimes fairness means:
Everyone gets a turn.
Sometimes it means:
Everyone gets what they need.
Sometimes it means:
The person who was using it first gets to finish.
And sometimes it means:
We find a different solution because both children want the same thing.
For young children, these ideas take time to develop.
We don’t need to solve every disagreement by announcing who is right.
We can help children think:
“You both want the truck.”
“Ella is still using it, and you really want a turn.”
“What could we do?”
This is where adult support becomes less about enforcing a rule and more about helping children develop problem-solving skills.
What could we say instead of “Share!”?
Sometimes changing our language changes the whole interaction.
Instead of: “Share with your friend.”
Try: “Are you ready to let them have a turn?”
Instead of: “You need to share that.”
Try: “You’re still playing with it. What could we do when you’re finished?”
Instead of: “Don’t be selfish.”
Try: “It’s hard when someone wants something you’re using.”
Instead of: “Give it to her.”
Try: “She would like a turn. You can tell her when you’re finished.”
Instead of: “You have to share.”
Try: “Let’s work out a fair way for both of you to play.”
Instead of immediately solving the problem:
“You both want the same thing. What ideas do you have?”
The goal isn’t to remove every conflict.
It is to help children gradually learn how to navigate conflict.
What if my child says “NO!”?
Sometimes the most important thing we can do is stay calm.
A child saying: “NO! It’s mine!” doesn’t necessarily mean they don’t care about the other child.
It might mean:
“I’m not finished.”
“I really like this.”
“I don’t know how to handle this.”
“I don’t want someone taking my things.”
“I need help.”
We can acknowledge the boundary while still helping the child consider the other person:
“You don’t want to give it up yet. You’re still playing with it.”
Then: “Leo would like a turn. Let’s work out what happens next.”
This is different from simply forcing the child to hand over the toy.
We are still holding the social boundary:
Other people matter.
But we are also respecting:
You matter too.
Practising turn-taking through play
One of the easiest ways to develop these skills is through play.
And it doesn’t have to be a formal lesson.
Children learn through repetition.
You might say: “My turn to put a block on.”
Then: “Your turn.”
And wait.
With a ball:
“I roll it to you. You roll it back to me.”
With a board game:
“It’s your turn. Then I’ll have my turn.”
With a puzzle:
“You choose one piece, then I’ll choose one.”
These simple interactions give children repeated experiences of:
waiting → watching → responding → getting a turn.
Over time, the process becomes more familiar.
Australian guidance also recommends everyday play as an opportunity to practise both sharing and turn-taking, rather than expecting children to simply know how to do these things. (Raising Children Network)
And what about children who don’t want to take turns?
We also need to remember that taking turns is not always easy simply because a child understands the rule.
A child may understand:
“It’s my turn next.”
…and still find waiting extremely difficult.
They might be excited.
They might be tired.
They might be deeply involved in their play.
They might struggle with flexibility.
They might find losing difficult.
They might not understand how long “next” will take.
Or they might simply need more practice.
This is where visual supports can help.
For example:
First Emma → then Noah.
Or use a simple visual timer.
For some children, it can also help to make the waiting period concrete:
“You can have the truck when the timer finishes.”
The goal isn’t to make children perfectly patient.
It is to gradually build their capacity to wait, tolerate disappointment and trust that their turn will come.
We don’t have to make every moment a sharing lesson
Sometimes adults become so focused on teaching children to share that we interrupt perfectly good play.
A child is deeply engaged with a toy.
Another child wants it.
Before immediately stepping in, we can pause and observe.
Are they actually having a problem?
Could they work it out?
Is the child who wants the toy able to wait?
Is the child using it finished?
Do they need adult help?
Sometimes children surprise us.
And sometimes they absolutely need us.
Our role isn’t to prevent every disagreement.
It’s to support children when the disagreement becomes too difficult for them to manage on their own.
What are children really learning?
When we help children navigate sharing and turn-taking, we are teaching much more than:
“Be nice.”
We are helping them learn:
“I can have boundaries.”
“Other people have boundaries too.”
“Sometimes I need to wait.”
“My turn will come.”
“I can tell someone what I need.”
“I can listen to what someone else needs.”
“We can solve problems together.”
“Fair doesn’t always mean exactly equal.”
“Disappointment is uncomfortable, but I can handle it.”
“Playing with other people sometimes means changing my plan.”
These are important social and emotional skills that continue developing throughout childhood.
A little less pressure, a little more practice
Sharing and taking turns are important.
But they are not skills we can switch on with the words: “Share!”
Children need opportunities to practise them in relationships where adults can model, guide, pause and sometimes help solve the problem.
So the next time two children reach for the same toy, instead of immediately thinking:
“How do I make them share?”
we might ask:
“What skill are they actually practising here?”
Is it sharing?
Is it taking turns?
Is it waiting?
Is it negotiating?
Is it communicating a boundary?
Is it coping with disappointment?
Is it solving a problem together?
Because sometimes the goal isn’t to stop children from having conflicts.
It is to help them discover that conflict can be worked through.
And that is a skill worth learning.
A simple reminder for parents and educators
Sharing:“Here, you can have some too.”
Taking turns:“You can have it when I’m finished.”
Negotiating:“What could we do so we can both play?”
Setting a boundary:“I’m not ready to give it to you yet.”
Problem-solving:“Let’s work out a plan together.”
Children don’t need us to make every interaction perfect.
They need opportunities to practise being with other people.
And sometimes, the best learning happens in the middle of a very ordinary argument over a red truck.
Further Reading & Resources
Books to Read with Children
1. Even Steven: A Book About Sharing — Carrie Finison, illustrated by Daniel Wiseman
Steven likes everything to be perfectly even, but he discovers that fairness isn’t always about splitting things equally. Sometimes taking turns or finding another solution works better. This is a wonderful starting point for talking with children about sharing, fairness and what it means to find a solution that works for everyone.
Available through Penguin Books Australia.
2. Should I Share My Ice Cream? — Mo Willems
In this funny picture book, Gerald the elephant has an ice cream and must decide whether to share it with his friend Piggie. The story opens up conversations about generosity, friendship, making decisions and how we feel when we want to give something to another person but also want to keep it for ourselves.
Available through Walker Books Australia.
3. Sharing — Aunty Fay Muir and Sue Lawson, illustrated by Leanne Mulgo Watson
Part of the Our Place series, this Australian picture book explores sharing through the Indigenous practice of taking only what we need to care for the land and one another. It offers a broader perspective on sharing, connection, responsibility and caring for our community and environment.
Published by Magabala Books. Find the book through Magabala Books or explore the related educational resource from the Primary English Teaching Association Australia.
Podcasts for Parents and Educators
1. The Bloom Room: An Early Childhood Podcast — “Is Sharing Really Caring? Why I Teach Turn-Taking Instead”
This episode explores the difference between sharing and taking turns, and questions whether expecting children to give things up automatically teaches genuine kindness. It offers practical ways to support patience, empathy and social connection while respecting children’s needs and boundaries.
A particularly relevant listen for parents and educators who want to move beyond the familiar message that “sharing is caring”.
2. Teach. Play. Love. — “Encouraging Sharing & Taking Turns”
Hosted by early childhood experts Rachel Robertson and Claire Goss, this episode discusses developmentally appropriate expectations around sharing and turn-taking, how adults can model and practise these skills, and when it is okay for a child not to share.
It offers practical ideas for supporting children’s social development without expecting them to master these skills before they are ready.
References
Australian Government Department of Education. (2022). Belonging, Being and Becoming: The Early Years Learning Framework for Australia (Version 2.0). https://www.acecqa.gov.au/sites/default/files/2023-01/EYLF-2022-V2.0.pdf
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (2014). Enhancing and Practicing Executive Function Skills with Children from Infancy to Adolescence. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/resources/handouts-tools/activities-guide-enhancing-and-practicing-executive-function-skills/
Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. (n.d.). A Guide to Executive Function. https://developingchild.harvard.edu/key_concepts/executive_function/
Raising Children Network. (n.d.). Helping children learn to share: An age-by-age guide. https://raisingchildren.net.au/toddlers/behaviour/friends-siblings/sharing
Raising Children Network. (n.d.). Preschooler friendships: How they develop and tips to help. https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/behaviour/friends-siblings/preschoolers-making-friends
Raising Children Network. (n.d.). Preschooler play and games with others. https://raisingchildren.net.au/preschoolers/play-learning/getting-play-started/preschoolers-at-play
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