Why Is My Child So Controlling? Understanding the Need for Control
If you have ever heard your child say:
“No, you have to do it this way!”
“You can’t play that character.”
“That’s not how we’re doing it!”
“I want Dad to do it.”
“You have to sit there.”
“We have to start again because you did it wrong.”
You may have wondered: Why does my child need to control everything?
It can be exhausting when a child seems to have a very specific idea about how a game should be played, how other people should respond, what order things should happen in, or even what adults are allowed to say.
Parents can understandably experience this behaviour as bossy, demanding, inflexible or oppositional.
But sometimes, underneath the need to control is something quite different.
A child may be trying to create a sense of certainty when the world feels uncertain, unpredictable or outside their influence.
Control can give a child the feeling that:
“I know what is going to happen. I know what comes next. I know what everyone will do. I know what to expect.”
And when a child is worried about what might happen next, having things happen their way can temporarily make the world feel a little safer.
This doesn’t mean that every controlling behaviour comes from anxiety or insecurity. Children also naturally experiment with autonomy, power, leadership and independence. Saying “I want to do it myself!” is an important part of development.
The question is not simply:
“How do I stop my child from being controlling?”
A more useful question might be:
“What does my child experience as being at stake when they are not in control?”
Autonomy is healthy. But control can become rigid.
Just like adults, children need opportunities to have some influence over their own lives.
Choosing which shirt to wear, deciding whether to play with blocks or drawing materials, choosing a bedtime story, or deciding which character they want to be in a game are all ways children develop autonomy.
Autonomy communicates: “My choices matter.”
But there is a difference between wanting a say and needing everything to go a particular way.
A child who says: “I want to be the shopkeeper” is expressing a preference.
A child who says:“I’m the shopkeeper, you’re the customer, and you have to say exactly what I tell you to say” is seeking considerably more control over the interaction.
And if the other person changes the game, the child may become distressed, angry or unwilling to continue.
This is where we can begin to think about flexibility.
Healthy autonomy allows for: “I have a voice, and you have a voice too.”
Rigid control can sound more like:“I can only feel okay if everyone does what I expect.”
That distinction is important.
Our goal is not to raise children who simply comply with adults.
We want children who can have preferences, express boundaries, make choices and advocate for themselves while also learning that other people have needs, ideas and choices of their own.
How much control do children actually have?
Sometimes we describe a child as “controlling” without stopping to consider how little control children actually have over their everyday lives.
Adults make decisions all day long:
Get dressed.
Brush your teeth.
Put your shoes on.
Come to the table.
Eat your dinner.
Pack your bag.
Turn the screen off.
Get in the car.
Leave the playground.
Go to bed.
From an adult perspective, these instructions can feel completely ordinary. And many of them are necessary.
But imagine having someone else making decisions about your day from the moment you wake up until the moment you go to sleep.
Children experience this constantly.
So when a child finally finds an area where they can have some control (their play, their toys, the game they are playing, how they build something, which clothes they wear, or what order they do things in) it is worth asking whether we really need to take that control away too.
Not every moment needs to be an adult-directed moment.
If something is a genuine safety issue, a health issue, a family boundary or something that simply has to happen, then yes, the adult needs to take the lead.
But when it isn’t a “must-do” situation, perhaps there is room for the child to decide.
“Which one would you like?”
“You choose.”
“Show me how you want to do it.”
“You can lead this game.”
Giving children appropriate control is not the same as letting children run the household.
In fact, children who regularly experience appropriate autonomy may be better able to accept adult direction when adult direction is genuinely needed.
If every interaction becomes a battle for control, even necessary instructions can start to feel like another demand in a long list of demands.
Sometimes the most helpful question for parents and educators is simply:
“Does this actually need to be my decision?”
Why does my child need to control the game?
Play is one of the places where controlling behaviour becomes particularly obvious.
Perhaps your child wants to decide:
who everyone will pretend to be
what each person is allowed to say
where everyone has to sit
what happens next
which rules apply
who wins
when the game starts and finishes
what happens if someone makes a mistake
At first glance, this can look like a child simply being bossy.
But play involves something psychologically interesting:
Play is unpredictable.
When children engage in truly shared imaginative play, they cannot completely control what another person will do.
If I am pretending to be the doctor and you suddenly decide to be a dinosaur, the story changes.
If I have planned that the dolls are going to school and you decide they are going camping, I have to adapt.
If I expect to win a board game and someone else wins, I have to tolerate an outcome I didn’t choose.
These are small experiences, but they involve important psychological skills:
For some children, these experiences are much harder than they appear.
Controlling the play can become a way of reducing that uncertainty.
If I decide everything, then I don’t have to wonder what you are going to do.
Control can create certainty
Children experience uncertainty in many different ways.
For one child, uncertainty might be:
“What is going to happen at school today?”
For another:
“Who is picking me up?”
For another:
“What happens if the routine changes?”
And for another:
“What if I don’t know what to do?”
Sometimes the uncertainty is obvious. Sometimes it is much more subtle.
A child may not be consciously thinking: “I am anxious, therefore I need to control this situation.”
Instead, the child may simply learn:
Predictable = easier.
Unpredictable = harder.
So they start trying to make things predictable.
They insist on the same seat.
They want the same person to do bedtime.
They become upset if the rules of a game change.
They correct other people’s play.
They repeatedly ask what is going to happen.
They become distressed when plans change.
The behaviour can look demanding from the outside, while internally the child may be trying to answer a much simpler question: “Can I be sure that things are going to be okay?”
When control becomes about safety
For some children, the need for control can become particularly strong when they have experienced situations where they genuinely had very little control.
This might include significant changes in family life, unpredictable environments, difficult experiences, medical experiences, separation, conflict, or other situations that have left a child feeling that the world can change without warning.
Again, we don’t need to assume that every controlling child has experienced trauma.
But it is worth considering: Has this child had experiences where things happened to them, rather than with them?
Children have very little control over many aspects of their lives.
Most of the time, this is simply part of being a child.
But when a child already feels uncertain or powerless, having control over something can become particularly important.
Sometimes that “something” is the game.
Sometimes it is the routine.
Sometimes it is another person.
And sometimes it is the smallest things.
“No. You have to cut the sandwich like this.”
“Don’t put my shoes there.”
“You have to say goodnight first.”
“No, I want Mum to drive.”
These moments can be about much more than the sandwich, shoes or car.
They can be about having some influence over what happens next.
What happens when adults respond by taking control back?
This is where parents can easily find themselves caught in a power struggle.
The child says:
“You’re doing it wrong!”
The parent responds:
“I’m the adult. I’ll do it how I want.”
The child becomes more insistent.
The parent becomes firmer.
The child pushes harder.
And suddenly everyone is fighting for control.
The difficulty is that trying to defeat a child’s need for control can sometimes create even more of a battle around control.
But the alternative isn’t to give the child control over everything.
We don’t want:
Child controls everything → everyone gives in.
And we don’t want:
Adult controls everything → child has no voice.
There is another possibility:
Shared control.
This is where children can learn:
“I have influence, but I don’t have to control everything.”
“Other people have choices too.”
“Things can change and I can cope.”
“I can dislike something without needing to make everyone do it my way.”
These are important developmental skills.
What could I say?
When a child is seeking control, it can help to think about whether the situation is a must-do, a can-choose or a shared decision.
1. Must-do: When the adult needs to take the lead
Some things genuinely aren’t negotiable.
Safety, health, leaving somewhere, getting into the car, protecting another child or an important family boundary may require an adult decision.
You can be firm without turning the situation into a battle for power:
“I know you don’t want to. This is something I need to decide because it is my job to keep you safe.”
Or:
“You don’t have to like my decision. But this is something that needs to happen.”
The child can be unhappy about the limit without the adult needing to change it.
2. Can-choose: When the child can genuinely take the lead
Sometimes we give children instructions simply because we are used to being the ones who decide.
Before stepping in, ask yourself:
“Does this actually need to be my decision?”
If it doesn’t, let the child have some control.
“You choose.”
“Which one would you like?”
“Show me how you want to do it.”
“You can decide what we play.”
This isn’t permissiveness.
It is giving children appropriate opportunities to experience autonomy.
3. Shared: When both people have a legitimate preference
Sometimes there isn’t one correct answer.
You have an idea.
Your child has an idea.
Neither of you needs to completely surrender your preference.
This is where shared control becomes useful.
“You have an idea and I have an idea. Let’s see if we can find a way to use both.”
“You want to do it this way, and I want to do it another way. Let’s work it out.”
And when neither person is willing to give up their idea: Take turns.
“You really want to choose how we play. Let’s take turns. You choose what happens first, and then I’ll choose what happens next.”
“We have two ideas and neither of us wants to give up ours. Let’s take turns. Your way first, then my way.”
For siblings:
“You both want to be the one who decides. Let’s take turns being the leader.”
Taking turns teaches something much bigger than simply sharing.
It teaches:“I can have control sometimes, and I can give someone else control sometimes.”
And that is a skill worth practising.
It doesn’t always need to be exactly 50/50. If a child is already very rigid, demanding perfectly equal turns can become another battle.
Sometimes we can start very small:
“You choose this part. I’ll choose the next little part.”
The goal isn’t mathematical fairness.
The goal is practising shared control.
Learning flexibility doesn’t mean forcing children to “just go with it”
Sometimes we talk about flexibility as though it means children should simply accept whatever adults decide.
But flexibility is much more than compliance.
A flexible child can eventually think: “This isn’t what I wanted. What else could we do?”
That is a powerful developmental shift.
Instead of: “This is wrong because it’s not my way” the child gradually develops: “This is different from what I expected, but I can work out what to do next.”
That ability becomes increasingly important as children grow.
Friends will have different ideas.
Teachers will change plans.
Games won’t always go their way.
Rules won’t always feel fair.
People will misunderstand them.
Plans will change.
They will lose.
They will have to wait.
They will sometimes hear “no”.
Life contains uncertainty.
We cannot remove all of that uncertainty for children.
Instead, part of growing up is developing the confidence that: “Even when I can’t control what happens, I can find a way through it.”
Play provides a safe place to practise
This is one of the reasons play is so valuable in child development.
In play, children can explore control and mastery while also gradually experiencing shared control.
A child might first need to be the one who decides everything.
Over time, they may tolerate another person adding an idea.
Then they might negotiate.
Then they might accept a different storyline.
Then they might laugh when something unexpected happens.
These small moments matter.
A child who says:
“No! That’s not how the story goes!”
may eventually be able to say:
“Okay… let’s make that part of the story.”
That is flexibility in action.
Play also allows children to experience mastery.
They can build, destroy, rebuild, create rules, change characters, solve problems and try again.
They can experience: “I can make things happen.”
For a child who often feels powerless in other areas of life, this can be deeply meaningful.
But shared play can also teach: “I don’t have to make everything happen.”
Sometimes another person gets to choose.
Sometimes the story changes.
Sometimes the tower falls.
Sometimes the game doesn’t work.
Sometimes we start again.
And sometimes we discover that the unexpected part was actually fun.
Look underneath the behaviour
When your child is repeatedly trying to control people, games, routines or situations, it can be helpful to pause before immediately correcting the behaviour.
Ask yourself:
What might my child be trying to make more predictable?
Is there something happening in their world that feels uncertain?
Are they looking for more autonomy?
Have I been directing every small part of their day when some of these things could actually be their choice?
Is this a genuine boundary, or am I trying to make things happen my way because it is easier for me?
Does my child need more opportunities to lead?
Where could we practise shared control instead of either giving in or fighting for control?
These questions don’t excuse behaviour that is hurtful, disrespectful or unsafe.
They simply help us understand what might be underneath it.
And understanding the behaviour gives us more options for responding to it.
What if my child’s controlling behaviour is becoming a problem?
Some degree of control-seeking is part of normal childhood development.
However, it may be worth looking more closely when the behaviour is:
very rigid or intense
occurring across many environments
significantly affecting friendships or sibling relationships
making school or childcare difficult
causing considerable distress when routines or expectations change
interfering with everyday family life
becoming increasingly restrictive
accompanied by significant anxiety, avoidance or fear
making it very difficult for the child to participate in ordinary activities unless they can control them
The behaviour itself is not a diagnosis.
But persistent rigidity or an unusually strong need for sameness and control can sometimes occur alongside anxiety, neurodevelopmental differences, obsessive-compulsive difficulties, or experiences of stress and adversity.
This is where looking beyond the behaviour becomes important.
Rather than asking only: “How do we stop this?” we can also ask: “What is this behaviour helping my child manage?”
That question can open up a much more useful conversation.
If controlling behaviour is significantly affecting your child’s relationships, participation, family life or emotional wellbeing, seeking support from an appropriately qualified professional can help you understand what may be driving the behaviour and what your child may need.
Your child doesn’t need to control everything to feel capable
Ultimately, helping children with controlling behaviour isn’t about taking control away from them.
It is about helping them develop a more flexible sense of control.
I can make choices.
I can have preferences.
I can say no.
I can influence what happens.
Other people have choices too.
Sometimes adults need to make the decision.
Sometimes I get to decide.
Sometimes we decide together.
Plans can change.
Things don’t always go my way.
I can feel disappointed.
I can tolerate uncertainty.
And I can cope when I am not in control.
That is a very different goal from simply teaching a child to “listen” or “stop being bossy.”
Because the long-term goal isn’t a child who never wants control.
It is a child who knows when to hold on, when to let go, and how to find their way when things don’t go according to plan.
And perhaps one of the most important things we can give children is not control over everything, but the experience of knowing:
“My voice matters, and I don’t have to control everything for things to be okay.”
Recommended Books & Podcasts
📚 Books for Parents & Educators
Raising Anxiety by Judith Y. Locke & Danielle A. Einstein
An Australian perspective on childhood anxiety, independence and the ways well-intentioned adult responses can sometimes unintentionally increase children’s anxiety and reduce opportunities for independence.
What Makes You Stronger by Louise L. Hayes, Joseph V. Ciarrochi & Ann Bailey
Explores psychological flexibility, resilience and how children can learn to cope with change, uncertainty and difficult experiences without needing to control everything around them.
9 Things by Maggie Dent
A practical Australian guide to raising children from birth to eight, with a strong focus on play, development, resilience and giving children the space they need to grow. (Maggie Dent)
🎧 Podcasts for Parents & Educators
Parental As Anything by Maggie Dent — ABC Listen
An Australian parenting podcast covering everyday parenting challenges, including behaviour, resilience, anxiety, friendships and independence. A great practical resource for parents who prefer listening to reading. (ABC News)
All in the Mind by ABC Listen
A psychology and mental health podcast that explores topics related to the developing mind, behaviour and emotional wellbeing. Episodes featuring child development professionals can provide useful perspectives for parents and educators.
Life Ed Podcast
An Australian podcast covering children’s wellbeing and development. Episodes exploring childhood anxiety and resilience are particularly relevant to understanding why some children may seek greater predictability and control.
📖 Books to Read With Children
Your Day, Your Way! What Will You Choose? by Lily Clarke
An interactive picture book that gives children opportunities to make choices throughout the story. A simple way to explore choice, autonomy and having a voice.
You could ask:
“Which would you choose?”
“What if someone else chose something different?”
“Can two people make different choices and both be okay?”
Koala Makes the Right Choice: A Book About Choices and Consequences by Sue Graves, illustrated by Trevor Dunton
A gentle story for young children about making choices and discovering what happens as a result. It can open conversations about choice, responsibility and the fact that we cannot control every outcome.
You could ask:
“What choices did Koala have?”
“What would you have chosen?”
“Did everything happen the way Koala wanted?”
The Most Magnificent Thing by Ashley Spires
A lovely story about a girl whose creation doesn’t turn out the way she imagined. It provides a wonderful opportunity to talk about flexibility, frustration, perfectionism and trying another way.
You could ask:
“What did she expect to happen?”
“What happened instead?”
“What could she try differently?”
What Do You Do With an Idea? by Kobi Yamada, illustrated by Mae Besom
A gentle story about having your own ideas and developing the confidence to hold onto them. It can also open conversations about different perspectives and the fact that other people don’t always have to agree with us.
You could ask:
“Can you have an idea that is different from someone else’s?”
“Do other people always have to agree with your idea?”
“What can you do when someone sees things differently?”
References
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2007). The importance of play in promoting healthy child development and maintaining strong parent-child bonds. Pediatrics, 119(1), 182–191. This supports the sections discussing play, autonomy, decision-making, negotiation, conflict resolution and mastery.
American Academy of Pediatrics. (2018). The power of play: A pediatric role in enhancing development in young children. Pediatrics, 142(3), e20182058. This supports the discussion of play as a context for cooperation, negotiation, problem-solving and social development.
Ryan, R. M., & Deci, E. L. — Self-Determination Theory. This body of research provides the theoretical foundation for the importance of autonomy, alongside competence and relatedness, in healthy motivation and development. The American Psychological Association provides an overview of the extensive evidence base supporting Self-Determination Theory.
Cowie, J., Clementi, M., & Alfano, C. A. (2018). Examination of the intolerance of uncertainty construct in youth with generalized anxiety disorder. Journal of Clinical Child & Adolescent Psychology, 47(6), 1014–1022. This supports the relationship between intolerance of uncertainty, worry and anxiety in children.
Crane, M. E., & Kendall, P. C. (2020). Intolerance of uncertainty and parental accommodation: Promising targets for personalized intervention for youth anxiety. Clinical Child and Family Psychology Review. This is particularly relevant to the article’s discussion of uncertainty, anxiety and the ways adults can sometimes accommodate children’s anxiety in an attempt to make situations easier or more predictable.
Ryan, Z. J., Dodd, H. F., & FitzGibbon, L. (2024). Uncertain world: How children’s curiosity and intolerance of uncertainty relate to their behaviour and emotion under uncertainty. Quarterly Journal of Experimental Psychology, 78(4), 842–860. This provides more recent evidence about how children respond emotionally and behaviourally when faced with uncertainty.
Boulter, C., Freeston, M., South, M., & Rodgers, J. (2014). Intolerance of uncertainty as a framework for understanding anxiety in autism. Journal of Autism and Developmental Disorders, 44, 1391–1402. This is useful background for the article’s acknowledgement that a strong need for predictability or sameness can sometimes occur alongside neurodevelopmental differences.
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