Supporting Children’s Emotional Regulation in Early Childhood Settings

Working with children compassionately, even when ratios make it challenging.

I’ve been there!

I’ve comforted a child after a difficult goodbye while another needed their nappy changed. I’ve tried to support one child’s big emotions while keeping an eye on the rest of the group. I’ve finished the day wondering if I’d done enough, even though I hadn’t stopped moving.

If you’ve worked in early childhood education for any length of time, you’ve probably heard this advice:

“Children need calm adults to help them regulate their emotions.”

They’re right.

But what does that actually look like when you’re caring for several children at once?

If you’re an educator, you’re probably smiling and thinking,

“That’s just the first hour of my day.”

Looking back now as a play therapist, and reflecting on my years as both an early childhood educator and a family day care educator, I understand emotional regulation a little differently.

It’s easy to talk about emotional regulation in theory.

It’s much harder to put it into practice when you’re balancing children’s emotional needs, daily routines, safety, learning experiences, documentation, preparing morning tea, and the many unexpected moments that fill each day, sometimes after a sleepless night, while carrying worries from home, or simply when you’re running on empty yourself.

This guide isn’t about asking educators to do more.

It’s about recognising what you’re already doing and exploring realistic ways to support children’s emotional regulation within the reality of early childhood settings.

Because emotional regulation doesn’t require perfection.

It grows through relationships.

Through everyday interactions.

Through moments of connection.

Sometimes those moments last twenty minutes.

Sometimes they’re only twenty seconds.

Both matter.

Whether you work in a long day care service, preschool, kindergarten, or family day care, my hope is that this guide helps you feel seen, supported, and reassured that small, intentional moments of connection can have a lasting impact on children’s emotional development.

After all, children don’t need perfect educators.

They need caring adults who show up, day after day, doing the very best they can with the time, resources, and support they have.

And that matters more than you might realise.

Why Emotional Regulation Matters

Before we explore practical strategies, it’s helpful to understand why emotional regulation is such an important part of children’s development.

When we think of emotional regulation, it’s easy to imagine a child who can stay calm, follow instructions, and recover quickly from disappointment or frustration. But emotional regulation isn’t about children never becoming upset.

It’s about gradually learning to recognise emotions, express them in safe ways, and recover from life’s everyday challenges.

The important word here is gradually.

Children are not born knowing how to regulate their emotions. These skills develop over many years through repeated experiences with calm, responsive adults.

Long before children can regulate themselves, they rely on co-regulation.

Co-regulation happens when a trusted adult helps a child feel safe enough for their nervous system to settle. It might look like a calm voice, a reassuring presence, a comforting touch (when appropriate), helping a child name their feelings, or simply staying emotionally available during a difficult moment.

Over time, these repeated experiences become the foundation for self-regulation.

Dr Dan Siegel describes this beautifully by explaining that children need to “borrow” the calm of trusted adults before they can develop their own ability to regulate. In other words, self-regulation grows from co-regulation.

Of course, this doesn’t happen overnight.

Young children’s brains are still developing the pathways needed for impulse control, flexible thinking, emotional regulation, and problem-solving. These abilities continue to mature throughout childhood and adolescence.

This means that when young children become overwhelmed, they are rarely choosing to be difficult.

More often, they are communicating that their brain and body need support.

This shift in perspective can completely change the way we respond.

Instead of asking,

“How do I stop this behaviour?”

we begin asking,

“What is this child communicating, and how can I help them feel safe enough to regulate?”

That doesn’t mean every emotional moment can be prevented or immediately resolved.

In early childhood settings, educators are constantly balancing the needs of individual children with the needs of the whole group.

Understanding how emotional regulation develops isn’t about adding another responsibility to your day.

It’s about helping you see children’s behaviour through a compassionate, developmental lens, so that even small moments of connection can make a meaningful difference.

Children don’t learn emotional regulation because we tell them to calm down. They learn it because someone first helped them feel calm.

The Reality of Ratios

If emotional regulation were only about one adult and one child, supporting children through big emotions would often feel much simpler.

But that’s rarely the reality of early childhood education and care settings.

Your attention is constantly shared between many competing needs.

You might be comforting a child who is struggling with separation anxiety while another needs help in the bathroom. A baby may need a bottle. Two children might be negotiating over the same toy. Someone else proudly wants to show you their latest masterpiece. Morning tea needs to be prepared, documentation is waiting to be completed, and throughout it all, every child must remain safe and supervised.

This is the reality educators navigate every day. I see you!

When I worked in early childhood education, and later in family day care, I experienced these moments countless times. Family day care often has fewer children, but you’re also the only educator. There isn’t another colleague to step in while you support a child who needs your full attention. Every decision matters, and every child still needs you.

It’s easy to read articles that encourage educators to sit with a child until they’re fully calm. While that advice comes from a place of care, it doesn’t always reflect the realities of working within educator-to-child ratios.

Sometimes, the safest decision isn’t the perfect one for one child, it’s the best one for the whole group.

That doesn’t mean you’ve failed.

It means you’re making thoughtful professional decisions in a complex environment.

Children don’t need educators who can be everywhere at once.

They need educators who notice them, reconnect with them when they can, and continue building trusting relationships through many small moments of connection throughout the day.

Those moments may seem ordinary.

But to a child, they can mean everything.

What Regulation Can Realistically Look Like

If reading about co-regulation has ever left you wondering, “That sounds wonderful, but how am I supposed to do that with a whole room full of children?” you’re not alone.

The good news is that co-regulation doesn’t always require long periods of one-to-one support.

Often, it’s found in the small moments woven throughout the day.

It might look like making eye contact with a child across the room and offering a reassuring smile.

It might be kneeling beside a child for thirty seconds and calmly saying, “I can see you’re feeling upset. I’ll be back as soon as I’ve helped Mia wash her hands.”

It might be using a warm, steady voice during a busy transition.

It might be placing a gentle hand on a child’s shoulder (when appropriate and welcomed).

It might be noticing the child who is quietly coping after a difficult moment and checking in once everyone is settled.

None of these moments take long.

But together, they help children feel seen, safe, and supported.

Children don’t expect educators to solve every problem immediately.

What helps most is knowing that someone has noticed them, understands that they’re struggling, and will come back when they can.

This is where relationships matter.

The better we know each child, the better we understand what they need in moments of distress. Some children may need our immediate support, while others can tolerate waiting a little longer because they trust we’ll come back. Knowing each child helps us make thoughtful decisions that support both the individual child and the needs of the whole group.

Sometimes the most regulating words an educator can say are,

“I haven’t forgotten about you.”

Children also learn through what they observe.

When educators respond calmly, repair after difficult moments, apologise when needed, and model flexible problem-solving, children are learning emotional regulation in action.

These everyday interactions may seem small, but repeated hundreds of times over weeks, months, and years, they become part of a child’s internal sense of safety and trust.

In early childhood education, regulation isn’t about offering every child uninterrupted attention. That’s simply not the reality of the profession.

It’s about building relationships that help children trust that even when an educator’s attention needs to move elsewhere, the connection hasn’t been lost.

Children can often wait for our attention when they trust they haven’t lost our connection.

Co-regulation isn’t measured by how long you’re with a child.

It’s measured by how safe and understood you help them feel in the moments you do have.

Download my free Co-Regulation in Action educator poster

Supporting the Whole Group

One of the greatest challenges in early childhood education is balancing the needs of individual children with the needs of the whole group.

At any given moment, one child may be feeling overwhelmed after saying goodbye to their family, another may need help solving a conflict, someone else may be asking for a drink of water, while another child excitedly wants to show you the tower they have just built.

You care deeply about every child.

But you can’t be everywhere at once.

Supporting emotional regulation doesn’t always require uninterrupted one-to-one attention.

Often, it’s the many small moments of connection throughout the day that help children feel safe and supported.

A warm smile.

A reassuring glance.

Sitting beside them for a few moments.

Returning after helping another child.

Knowing each child well is one of the most powerful tools an educator has.

When we understand children’s personalities, temperaments, interests, and individual needs, we become better at recognising who needs our immediate support, who may benefit from a little extra reassurance, and who is able to wait because they trust we’ll come back.

Children don’t need every need to be met immediately.

They need to know they’ve been seen, heard, and that you’ll come back.

Sometimes, supporting one child means another child waits a little longer.

Sometimes, returning a few minutes later is exactly what helps strengthen trust.

Children learn that even when an educator’s attention is shared, the relationship is still secure.

It’s not about providing perfect, uninterrupted attention.

It’s about helping children trust that, even when we need to respond to someone else’s needs, the connection hasn’t been lost.

That trust grows through hundreds of small, everyday interactions.

And those ordinary moments are often the ones children remember most.

Everyday Practices That Support Regulation

Supporting emotional regulation doesn’t always require adding more to your day.

Often, it’s the small, intentional choices we make within everyday routines and interactions that have the greatest impact.

The ideas below aren’t about doing everything at once. They’re practical strategies that can be adapted to suit your children, your team, and your early childhood setting.

Choose one or two to begin with, reflect on what works best for you, your group, and your service’s philosophy, then build from there:

- Offer choices whenever possible

Children often feel more regulated when they experience an appropriate sense of control.

Simple choices such as, “Would you like to read a book or draw while we wait?” or “Would you like the blue cup or the green cup?” can help children feel involved without overwhelming them.

- Build movement into the day

Young children aren’t designed to sit still for long periods.

Regular opportunities to run, climb, dance, stretch, carry heavy objects safely, or participate in movement games can help many children regulate their bodies before they’re expected to regulate their behaviour.

- Make space for messy play

Messy play is much more than a fun activity. For many children, it’s a powerful way to support emotional regulation.

Experiences such as painting, playdough, clay, water play, sand play, mud kitchens, or even giving children a bucket of water and a large paintbrush to “paint” a fence or wall outdoors can help calm busy bodies and minds.

These experiences invite children to slow down, engage their senses, focus their attention, and regulate through play.

Messy play doesn’t have to be elaborate or expensive. Often, the simplest experiences are the most meaningful.

Rather than seeing messy play as something extra, consider it an important part of supporting children’s emotional wellbeing and nervous system development.

- Use visual supports

Visual schedules, first/then boards, timers, and visual cues can reduce uncertainty and help children anticipate what’s coming next.

Many educators also find that using photographs of the children, their educators, and their own learning environment makes visual supports even more meaningful and engaging.

When children know what to expect, they’re often better able to regulate during transitions.

- Create calming spaces

Having a small calming or sensory space available can give children the opportunity to regulate before their emotions become overwhelming.

This might include soft furnishings, books, sensory resources, weighted toys (when appropriate), fidget tools, or calming visuals.

When an educator notices a child beginning to feel overwhelmed, inviting them to spend a few quiet moments in a calming space can help support regulation. With the reassurance of a trusted adult nearby, many children are able to settle their nervous system and return to play or learning when they feel ready.

- Make group times engaging

Group time doesn’t have to mean sitting still and listening for long periods.

Young children learn best when they’re actively involved.

Using puppets, songs, movement, stories, props, different voices, facial expressions, and opportunities for children to actively participate can make group time more meaningful and engaging.

Invite children to predict what might happen next in a story, join in repeated phrases, make animal sounds, sing, dance, or help hold props. Small changes like these encourage children to become active participants rather than passive listeners.

For some children, having a fidget tool, wobble cushion, or weighted toy (when appropriate) can also support engagement during group experiences.

Remember, the goal isn’t for every child to participate in exactly the same way. Children engage, learn, and contribute differently, and that’s okay.

Sometimes the goal isn’t a perfectly quiet group time.

It’s a connected one.

- Reduce unnecessary waiting

Waiting can be surprisingly difficult for young children.

Whenever possible, think about ways to reduce long periods of waiting during transitions and routines.

A song, a finger play, a simple conversation, or giving children meaningful jobs while they wait can make these moments feel calmer and more manageable.

- Notice regulation, not just dysregulation

It’s easy to notice children when they’re struggling.

Try to notice the moments when they’re regulating too.

“I noticed you waited so patiently.”

“You looked disappointed, but you kept trying.”

“You took a deep breath before asking for help.”

These small acknowledgements help children become aware of their own growing regulation skills and build confidence over time.

The more children begin to recognise what regulation feels like, the more likely they are to use those skills again in the future. Over time, many children begin to pause, problem-solve, and recover from challenges with increasing independence, an important step in the lifelong development of self-regulation.

As children become more confident in recognising and using their own regulation strategies, they often require less support in those familiar situations. This allows educators to be available for children who need more co-regulation at that particular moment, while continuing to strengthen the wellbeing of the whole group.

- Remember that regulation happens through play

Play isn’t separate from emotional regulation.

It is one of the ways children develop it.

Through play, children practise solving problems, negotiating, coping with frustration, taking turns, using flexible thinking, repairing relationships, and making sense of their experiences.

When opportunities arise, joining children’s pretend play can also be a gentle way to model emotional regulation. A teddy might feel disappointed when something doesn’t go to plan, a baby might need comfort after falling over, or a dinosaur might take a deep breath before trying again.

These playful moments allow children to explore emotions, problem-solving, and coping strategies in a way that feels natural and meaningful.

Protecting uninterrupted play is one of the most valuable regulation strategies we can offer.

- Repair after difficult moments

Even the most experienced educators have moments when they feel rushed, distracted, or respond in ways they’d like to do differently.

Relationships don’t require perfection.

They require repair.

A simple, genuine apology such as, “I’m sorry I spoke too quickly before. Let’s try again together,” teaches children something incredibly important:

Relationships can recover after difficult moments.

Perhaps the most important strategy of all is remembering that regulation grows through relationships.

No sensory tool, visual schedule, or calming space can replace the power of a child feeling genuinely known, accepted, and emotionally safe with the adults who care for them.

The strategies matter.

But the relationship will always matter most.

Download my free Everyday Practices That Support Regulation educator poster

The Power of Our Words

The words we choose can either help children feel understood or unintentionally dismiss what they’re experiencing.

Small changes in our language can make a big difference, especially during moments of frustration, disappointment, or overwhelm.

Children don’t always need us to fix the situation.

Often, they simply need to know that their feelings make sense to someone else.

When children feel understood, they’re often better able to move through big emotions and return to learning and play.

The language we use every day has a powerful influence on how children understand themselves, their emotions, and the adults around them.

We don’t need perfect words all the time, but becoming more aware of the language we use can make a meaningful difference to children’s emotional wellbeing, their sense of safety, and the relationships we build with them.

The examples below are not scripts to memorise. They are gentle reminders that, whenever possible, we can acknowledge children’s feelings while still maintaining the clear, respectful boundaries they need.

Download my free The Power of Our Words educator poster

Looking After Educators

Children rely on calm, connected adults to help them regulate.

But who supports the adults?

As educators, we spend our days comforting, encouraging, guiding, solving problems, managing conflicts, supporting families, and responding to the emotional needs of many children, often while balancing documentation, routines, and the many unexpected moments that naturally arise throughout the day.

It’s deeply meaningful work.

It’s also emotionally and physically demanding.

Some days you’ll leave work feeling energised.

Some days you’ll leave feeling physically and emotionally exhausted.

Other days you’ll wonder if you did enough.

You may replay conversations in your mind, think about the child who had a difficult day, or wish you could have spent more time with someone who needed you.

These thoughts don’t mean you’re not doing a good job.

They usually mean you care.

Many children spend four or five days each week in early childhood education and care.

Over the years, educators become a significant part of their world. The relationships children build with their educators can influence how safe they feel, how they learn, how they relate to others, and how they begin to understand themselves.

That’s why this work matters so much.

Looking after yourself isn’t separate from looking after children.

It’s part of the same process.

Children borrow our calm, but that doesn’t mean we have to be calm all the time.

We’re human too.

Looking after yourself means recognising when you need support, taking your breaks when you can, leaning on your team, talking things through with trusted colleagues, and showing yourself the same compassion you offer children so freely.

Perhaps most importantly, let go of the idea that you need to be a perfect educator.

Children don’t need perfection.

They need relationships.

They need consistency.

They need to know that someone genuinely cares about them.

You are already giving children so much more than you probably realise.

Every warm greeting.

Every smile.

Every comforting hug (when appropriate).

Every story you read.

Every feeling you acknowledge.

Every repaired misunderstanding.

Every time you return to a child after helping someone else.

Every apology.

Every moment of connection.

These moments matter.

These moments may seem small, but they leave lasting footprints on children’s hearts, minds, and relationships.

They shape how children see themselves, other people, and the world around them.

So, at the end of a long day, before you think about everything you didn’t get to, take a moment to remember everything you did.

Because chances are, somewhere in your room, there was a child who felt safer because you were there.

And that’s something worth holding on to.

Common Myths About Emotional Regulation

There are many misconceptions about emotional regulation that can unintentionally place extra pressure on both children and educators. Let’s explore a few of the most common ones.

Myth 1: A well-regulated child never has big emotions.

Reality: Big emotions are a normal and healthy part of childhood. Emotional regulation isn’t about preventing children from becoming upset. It’s about helping them learn to recognise, express, and recover from those emotions over time.

Myth 2: A good educator can prevent every meltdown.

Reality: Even in the most nurturing environments, children will sometimes become overwhelmed. An educator’s role isn’t to prevent every emotional moment, but to provide safety, connection, and support when those moments happen.

Myth 3: Emotional regulation means children should calm down quickly.

Reality: Every child regulates differently. Some children need more time, more movement, more reassurance, or simply the comfort of knowing a trusted adult is nearby. Progress isn’t measured by how quickly a child calms down, but by the gradual development of skills over time.

Myth 4: If children become upset, we’ve done something wrong.

Reality: Children experience frustration, disappointment, excitement, fear, and anger every day. These emotions aren’t signs of failure. They’re opportunities for learning, connection, and co-regulation.

Myth 5: Co-regulation requires constant one-to-one attention.

Reality: While individual support is valuable, meaningful co-regulation often happens in small, everyday moments, a reassuring smile, a calm voice, returning to a child after helping someone else, or simply letting them know, “I haven’t forgotten about you.”

Myth 6: Emotional regulation is another thing educators have to “teach.”

Reality: Children learn emotional regulation through relationships and repeated experiences. Every warm interaction, every predictable routine, every repaired misunderstanding, and every moment of connection contributes to that learning.

Perhaps the greatest myth of all is that emotional regulation happens during children’s biggest moments.

In reality, it is built in the hundreds of ordinary moments that happen every single day.

When Children May Need Additional Support

Every child develops emotional regulation skills at their own pace.

Some children simply need a little more time, while others may benefit from additional support.

As educators, we are often among the first adults to notice when a child consistently finds everyday situations more challenging than their peers.

You might notice that a child:

• regularly becomes overwhelmed by everyday routines or transitions

• struggles to recover after becoming upset or consistently takes a long time to return to a calm state

• frequently reacts with intense emotional or physical responses

• finds it difficult to participate in daily activities despite consistent support

• appears highly sensitive to sensory experiences such as noise, touch, or busy environments

• has ongoing challenges that continue over time and across different situations and environments.

These observations don’t mean something is “wrong” with the child.

They simply help us understand that the child may benefit from additional support.

Working collaboratively with families is an important first step.

By sharing observations respectfully and focusing on the child’s strengths as well as their challenges, educators and families can work together to better understand the child’s needs.

In some situations, additional support from professionals such as occupational therapists, speech pathologists, psychologists, paediatricians, or registered play therapists may also be helpful.

Early support isn’t about labelling children.

It’s about understanding them.

The earlier children receive the support they need, the greater the opportunity to help them develop confidence, resilience, and emotional wellbeing.

Remember, seeking support isn’t a sign that anyone has failed.

It’s simply another way of helping children thrive.

Key Takeaways

Emotional regulation doesn’t develop overnight.

It grows through relationships, everyday routines, play, repair, and countless moments of connection.

Children don’t need perfect educators.

They need caring adults who notice them, understand them, and continue showing up, even on the busiest days.

The small moments you share every day may seem ordinary.

But together, they help shape children’s sense of safety, belonging, confidence, and wellbeing.

At times, the work will feel joyful.

At times, it will feel exhausting.

Both can be true.

On the hard days, remember that your presence matters more than perfection.

So, before you think about everything you didn’t get to, take a moment to remember everything you did.

Because chances are, somewhere in your room, there was a child who felt safer because you were there.

And that’s something worth holding on to.

Supporting Your Team

Every child, educator, and early childhood service is unique. While the ideas shared in this guide are based on research, professional experience, and best practice, they are intended as general guidance rather than a one-size-fits-all approach.

Some children, classrooms, or educator teams may benefit from more individualised strategies and support.

If your early childhood service is looking for additional guidance around emotional regulation, supporting individual children, creating more regulating environments, or professional learning for educators, I’d be delighted to support your team.

I offer professional learning, workshops, and consultation for early childhood teams, with a focus on relationship-based practice, play, and emotional development.

Together, we can explore practical strategies that reflect your service’s philosophy, the unique strengths of your educators, and the needs of the children in your care.

For more information, or to discuss how I can support your team, please get in touch.

@evelise_playtherapy

💚 Together, we can create early childhood environments where children, families, and educators feel understood, supported, and able to thrive.

Quick Reflection for Educators

Before you finish reading, take a moment to reflect.

• Which idea from this guide resonated with you the most?

• Which child came to mind while reading?

• What is one small change you could try this week?

• What is one strength you already bring to your role that supports children’s emotional regulation?

• Is there a colleague you could share this guide or one of these ideas with?

Remember, children don’t need perfect educators.

They need caring adults who are willing to keep learning, reflecting, and growing alongside them.

Created by Evelise Manzoni

Registered Child Play Therapist (APPTA #25007)

Early Childhood Educator

@evelise_playtherapy

References

Australian Children’s Education & Care Quality Authority. (2020). Guide to the National Quality Framework. ACECQA.

Australian Government Department of Education. (2022). Belonging, Being & Becoming: The Early Years Learning Framework for Australia (Version 2.0).

Delahooke, M. (2019). Beyond Behaviors: Using Brain Science and Compassion to Understand and Solve Children’s Behavioral Challenges. PESI Publishing & Media.

Gray, P. (2013). Free to Learn: Why Unleashing the Instinct to Play Will Make Our Children Happier, More Self-Reliant, and Better Students for Life. Basic Books.

National Scientific Council on the Developing Child. (2004/2009). Young Children Develop in an Environment of Relationships (Working Paper No. 1). Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University.

Perry, B. D., & Winfrey, O. (2021). What Happened to You? Conversations on Trauma, Resilience, and Healing. Flatiron Books.

Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to Help Your Child (and You) Break the Stress Cycle and Successfully Engage with Life. Penguin.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2011). The Whole-Brain Child: 12 Revolutionary Strategies to Nurture Your Child’s Developing Mind. Bantam Books.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The Power of Showing Up: How Parental Presence Shapes Who Our Kids Become and How Their Brains Get Wired. Ballantine Books.

Stagnitti, K. (2023). Play to Learn: Developing Language Through Play for Children with Speech, Language and Communication Needs (2nd ed.). Routledge.