Understanding PDA in Children

A compassionate, research-informed guide for parents, educators, and anyone supporting neurodivergent children.

Some children seem to resist everyday requests in ways that feel intense, confusing, or exhausting for the adults around them.

They may avoid brushing teeth, refuse to get dressed, say “no” to simple requests, freeze when asked to do something, negotiate endlessly, or become highly distressed when expectations are placed on them.

These children are often described as:

• defiant

• controlling

• manipulative

• oppositional

• stubborn

But for some neurodivergent children, this behaviour may reflect a PDA profile, where everyday demands can trigger a genuine threat response in the nervous system.

When we understand what sits underneath the behaviour, we can move from power struggles to connection.

What Is PDA?

PDA commonly stands for Pathological Demand Avoidance, though many autistic advocates and families now prefer terms such as:

• Persistent Drive for Autonomy

• Pervasive Drive for Autonomy

These alternatives feel more respectful and strengths-based, recognising that many children are not “avoiding” demands to be difficult, they are protecting autonomy and managing anxiety.

PDA is widely understood as a profile within autism, characterised by an anxiety-driven need to resist everyday demands and maintain control (Newson et al., 2003; O’Nions et al., 2014).

While PDA is not currently recognised as a separate diagnosis in the DSM-5 or ICD-11, it is increasingly discussed by clinicians, researchers, educators, and neurodivergent communities. Some professionals view PDA as a distinct autism profile, while others understand it as a pattern of traits linked to anxiety, demand sensitivity, and nervous system dysregulation.

Regardless of terminology, many families find that recognising this profile helps shift the focus from punishment and compliance toward understanding, flexibility, and support.

PDA Is Not Bad Behaviour

For children with PDA traits, demands may activate the brain as if something unsafe is happening.

Even simple requests such as:

• Put your shoes on

• Come to dinner

• Brush your teeth

• Turn the TV off

• Answer a question

• Sit down for group time

…can trigger fight, flight, freeze, fawn, or shutdown responses.

This does not mean the child is choosing to be difficult.

It means their nervous system is interpreting pressure, loss of control, or expectation as threat.

Punishments can deepen shame, because many children already feel confused, embarrassed, or distressed by reactions they do not know how to control.

For PDA children, the avoidance is not something they are consciously choosing. They may not fully understand their own reaction either. What can look like refusal is often an automatic response to anxiety, overwhelm, or feeling pressured.

How PDA Can Look in Early Childhood

Every child is different, but PDA may present as:

Avoidance Strategies

• changing the subject

• pretending not to hear

• negotiating endlessly

• distracting with humour

• suddenly needing the toilet

• saying “I forgot”

• becoming silly or chaotic

Emotional Responses

• meltdowns when pressured

• panic when rushed

• shutdown when overwhelmed

• needing to control routines

• rapid mood changes

Social Presentation

Many children with PDA can appear socially engaged, verbally capable, imaginative.

This can lead adults to assume they should be able to cope.

But communication skills do not always equal nervous system capacity.

What the Research Suggests

Emerging research links PDA traits with:

• high anxiety

• intolerance of uncertainty

• sensory overwhelm

• need for autonomy

• difficulty with flexibility

• emotional regulation challenges

Studies suggest that anxiety is often central to demand avoidance behaviours (O’Nions et al., 2016).

This helps explain why behaviour charts, punishments, or repeated pressure often do not work, because they do not address the stress response underneath.

How Play Can Help Us Understand PDA

Children often process their inner world through play.

Children with PDA traits may explore themes of:

• control

• rescue

• escape

• power reversals

• predictability

• mastery over uncertainty

You may notice:

• wanting to direct all rules

• becoming distressed if adults take over

• repetitive rescue stories

• needing to “win” or stay in charge

• changing games suddenly

This is not manipulation. It is communication.

Play can offer children a safe space to rehearse autonomy, safety, and competence.

Supporting Children with PDA: Practical, Research-Backed Strategies

The goal is not to force compliance.The goal is to reduce threat and build trust.

1. Reduce Direct Demands

Instead of:

“Put your shoes on now.”

Try:

• “Your shoes are here when you’re ready.”

• “Would you like red shoes or blue shoes?”

• “I wonder if your shoes can jump onto your feet?”

Why this matters

Indirect language lowers pressure while still guiding the child.

2. Connect Before You Request

Try:

• sitting beside them

• using humour

• joining their play briefly

• soft voice + calm body language

Why this matters

Connection helps regulate the nervous system first, making cooperation more possible.

3. Use Playfulness and Collaboration

Try:

• races

• games

• missions

• teamwork language

Examples:

• “Can we beat the timer together?”

• “The toothbrush is looking for a helper.”

Why this matters

Play can lower anxiety and shift the child out of defence mode.

4. Offer Real Choices

Try:

• Bath before or after story?

• Walk or run to the car?

• Help or space?

Why this matters

Choice restores a sense of control, which can reduce resistance.

5. Ask: Is This Defiance or Distress?

Look for:

• stalling

• tummy aches

• perfectionism

• tears

• after-school collapse

• sudden anger

Why this matters

What looks like refusal may actually be anxiety.

6. Pick Your Battles

Ask:

• Does this need to happen now?

• Can I reduce steps?

• Can I support differently?

• Is this worth the nervous system cost?

Why this matters

Too many demands can keep a child in chronic stress.

What Often Doesn’t Help

These approaches may escalate distress:

• power struggles

• public correction

• repeated verbal pressure

• punishments alone

• rushing

• shame

• “because I said so”

When anxiety is the driver, pressure often increases symptoms.

For Educators & Teachers: PDA in Group Settings

Children with PDA may mask all day and collapse at home.

They may also:

• resist transitions

• avoid tasks

• appear capable but inconsistent

• become dysregulated when corrected publicly

• need flexible pathways to participate

Helpful supports:

• private check-ins

• humour and warmth

• movement breaks

• low-pressure transitions

• collaborative problem solving

• flexible participation expectations

A Final Word 💚

If you are parenting or teaching a child who resists almost everything, you may feel exhausted, confused, or judged.

Please know this:

Some children are not giving you a hard time.

They are having a hard time.

Behind avoidance is often anxiety.

Behind control is often fear.

Behind resistance is often a nervous system asking for safety.

And to every parent and educator trying to understand instead of punish, you are doing deeply meaningful work.

You do not need to be perfect.

Your flexibility, patience, and willingness to see beneath behaviour may become the very thing that helps this child feel safe enough to thrive.

Books & Resources

For Parents, Teachers and Educators

1. PDA by PDAers — Sally Cat

2. The Family Experience of PDA — Eliza Fricker

3. Parenting Rewired — Danielle Punter & Charlotte Chaney (Australian neuroaffirming parenting lens)

Australian Voice to Follow / Listen To

Kristy Forbes (Australia) — neurodivergent educator, speaker, and parent of neurodivergent children, including PDA profiles.Her podcasts, talks, and social media resources offer deeply compassionate, lived-experience guidance for families and professionals.

For Children

1. The Panda on PDA — Glòria Durà-Vilà & Tamar Levi. A gentle story helping children understand the PDA profile through metaphor and compassion.

2. A Day With No Words — Tiffany Hammond. A beautiful neuroaffirming story about a non-speaking autistic child and the many ways communication happens.

3. Come Over To My House — Eliza Hull & Sally Rippin. An Australian picture book celebrating inclusion, disability, and belonging.

How Can I Help?

References

• Newson, E., Le Marechal, K., & David, C. (2003). PDA syndrome. Archives of Disease in Childhood.

• O’Nions, E., et al. (2014). Development of the EDA-Q. Child and Adolescent Mental Health.

• O’Nions, E., et al. (2016). Demand avoidance traits and anxiety. European Child & Adolescent Psychiatry.

• Porges, S. (2011). The Polyvagal Theory.

• Greene, R. Collaborative & Proactive Solutions.

• Forbes, K. Lived-experience advocacy and education resources (Australia).