Understanding Perfectionism in Childhood

When Mistakes Feel Too Big

An evidence-informed guide for parents, educators and health professionals

“I can’t do it.”

A five-year-old screws up their drawing after colouring outside the lines.

A seven-year-old refuses to answer a question in class because they aren’t completely sure of the answer.

An eight-year-old spends almost an hour rewriting the first sentence of their homework before giving up in tears because it still doesn’t look “right.”

These moments are familiar to many parents, educators, and health professionals.

From the outside, these reactions can seem disproportionate. Adults may wonder why such a small mistake leads to overwhelming frustration. A child might be described as overly sensitive, dramatic, stubborn, or someone who simply needs more confidence.

Yet beneath these behaviours often lies something much deeper.

For some children, making a mistake doesn’t simply feel disappointing, it feels deeply personal. A spelling error, a missed goal, or a drawing that doesn’t match the picture in their mind can trigger feelings of embarrassment, failure, or self-doubt that seem far bigger than the situation itself.

This is often where perfectionism begins.

Perfectionism is frequently misunderstood. It is commonly associated with high achievement, persistence, and motivation, leading many people to assume it simply reflects a child wanting to do their best.

Research, however, paints a more complex picture. Psychologists Paul Hewitt and Gordon Flett, whose work has shaped much of our current understanding of perfectionism, describe maladaptive perfectionism as involving unrealistically high personal standards alongside excessive concern about mistakes, self-critical evaluation, and a tendency to link self-worth to achievement (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

While striving for excellence can be healthy and motivating, perfectionism is rarely about excellence alone.

Instead, it is often driven by an intense fear of making mistakes and the belief that anything less than perfect is somehow “not good enough.”

Ironically, these beliefs rarely help children achieve more.

Instead, they often make learning more difficult.

Children may avoid trying new things, become overwhelmed by challenges, spend excessive amounts of time trying to get everything “just right,” or give up altogether when success doesn’t come immediately. Thomas Curran’s more recent research suggests that perfectionism is associated with increased anxiety, burnout, and psychological distress, reminding us that achievement and wellbeing do not always develop hand in hand (Curran, 2023).

The very strategy intended to protect children from failure can gradually limit curiosity, creativity, confidence, and resilience.

Understanding perfectionism therefore requires us to look beyond behaviour.

Rather than asking,

“Why are they making such a big deal about this?”

we might instead ask,

“What makes this mistake feel so overwhelming?”

That simple shift in perspective changes everything.

Instead of seeing a child who is overreacting, we begin to see a child whose emotions, beliefs, and nervous system are interpreting mistakes as something unsafe.

When we understand what sits beneath perfectionism, we are far better equipped to respond in ways that build confidence rather than fear.

In this article, we’ll explore what perfectionism is, why it develops, what it may look like at different ages, and how parents, educators, and health professionals can support children in developing a healthier relationship with mistakes, learning, and themselves.

What Is Perfectionism?

Many people use the word perfectionist to describe someone who is organised, hardworking, or pays close attention to detail. While these characteristics can certainly be strengths, they are not what psychologists mean when they talk about perfectionism.

Perfectionism is generally understood as a pattern of thinking, feeling, and behaving in which a person sets unrealistically high standards for themselves while becoming overly concerned about mistakes, criticism, or falling short of those standards (Flett & Hewitt, 2002). Rather than viewing mistakes as a normal part of learning, children experiencing perfectionism often interpret them as evidence that they have failed, or worse, that they themselves are somehow “not good enough.”

Researchers commonly distinguish between healthy striving and maladaptive perfectionism.

Healthy striving involves enjoying challenges, taking pride in personal growth, and recognising that improvement comes through practice and experience. Children with healthy standards are usually disappointed when things don’t go to plan, but they are able to recover, adjust their approach, and continue learning.

Maladaptive perfectionism is different.

It is driven less by curiosity and more by fear.

Success often brings only temporary relief because the next challenge quickly appears. Mistakes, meanwhile, can trigger intense feelings of embarrassment, shame, anxiety, or self-criticism. Over time, children may begin avoiding situations where they cannot guarantee success, limiting valuable opportunities to explore, experiment, and build confidence.

Importantly, perfectionism is not a diagnosis, nor is it a personality flaw.

Instead, it is best understood as a pattern that develops through the interaction of temperament, emotional development, relationships, life experiences, and the environment in which a child grows.

Developmental psychologists increasingly describe children’s development as the product of ongoing interactions between their individual characteristics and the environments around them. This means no single experience, or single person, causes perfectionism. Rather, it emerges gradually as children make sense of themselves and the world.

Some children appear naturally more cautious, conscientious, or emotionally sensitive than others. These differences are part of normal human development. Combined with experiences such as anxiety, social comparison, high personal expectations, or a strong desire to please important adults, these characteristics may contribute to perfectionistic thinking.

Seeing perfectionism through this developmental lens changes the conversation.

Instead of asking,

“Why is my child so hard on themselves?”

we begin asking,

“What experiences, emotions, or beliefs have led them to feel that mistakes are so difficult?”

This perspective moves us away from blame and towards understanding.

Healthy Striving or Perfectionism?

At first glance, healthy striving and perfectionism can look remarkably similar.

Both may involve children who work hard, care about doing well, pay attention to detail, and take pride in their achievements.

The difference lies not in the behaviour itself, but in what is driving it.

Children who demonstrate healthy striving are usually motivated by curiosity, enjoyment, and a desire to improve. They understand that learning takes time and that mistakes are an expected part of developing new skills. Carol Dweck’s research on motivation has shown that children are more likely to embrace challenges when they view abilities as something that can grow through effort, effective strategies, and support, rather than something fixed from birth (Dweck, 2006).

Although these children may feel disappointed when things don’t go as planned, those feelings are usually temporary. They adjust, seek support if needed, and try again.

Children experiencing perfectionism often approach the same situations from a very different emotional place.

Rather than being motivated by learning, they are motivated by avoiding failure.

Mistakes become closely linked to self-worth.

A spelling mistake is no longer simply a spelling mistake.

It becomes evidence that they are “not smart enough.”

A missed goal becomes proof that they are “not good at sport.”

An imperfect drawing suddenly means they “can’t draw.”

Psychologists refer to this as contingent self-worth, the belief that our value depends on our achievements or performance. Research suggests that when children begin to equate who they are with how well they perform, mistakes become emotionally threatening rather than educational (Hewitt et al., 2017).

When this happens, learning itself becomes emotionally risky.

Some children respond by working harder than ever, spending excessive time on tasks or becoming distressed by even minor errors.

Others protect themselves in a different way by avoiding challenges altogether, refusing to participate, or giving up before they have the opportunity to make a mistake.

Although these responses appear very different, they often share the same underlying fear.

One of the greatest misconceptions about perfectionism is that it helps children achieve more.

In reality, studies consistently associate chronic perfectionism with higher levels of anxiety, depression, stress, and emotional exhaustion, while healthy striving is linked to greater resilience and psychological wellbeing (Curran, 2023; Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

The goal, therefore, is not to lower children’s aspirations.

Children benefit from being challenged, encouraged, and supported to develop their abilities.

Rather, the goal is to help children believe that their worth does not depend on flawless performance, and that making mistakes are an essential, and unavoidable, part of learning.

When children begin to understand this, they become more willing to take healthy risks, explore unfamiliar ideas, and discover that confidence is built not by avoiding mistakes, but by learning that they can recover from them.

Figure 1. Healthy Striving vs Perfectionism. Although healthy striving and perfectionism may look similar on the surface, they are driven by very different motivations. Healthy striving encourages curiosity, flexibility, and resilience, whereas perfectionism is often fuelled by fear of mistakes, self-doubt, and the belief that self-worth depends on achievement.

Why Do Some Children Become Perfectionists?

There is no single reason why a child develops perfectionistic tendencies.

Rather than being caused by one parenting style, one school experience, or one personality trait, perfectionism is generally understood as the result of many interacting influences. A child’s temperament, emotional development, relationships, life experiences, and environment all contribute to the way they view themselves, mistakes, and success.

This understanding reflects what developmental psychologists call a transactional model of development, where children both influence, and are influenced by, the people and environments around them. Development is dynamic, shaped by continuous interactions rather than isolated events.

Importantly, perfectionism is not something adults should blame themselves for. Most often, it develops gradually as children try to make sense of their experiences and find ways to manage emotions that feel overwhelming.

Understanding these influences allows us to respond with curiosity rather than judgement.

Temperament: Every Child Experiences the World Differently

Children are born with unique temperaments.

Some eagerly embrace new experiences, while others approach unfamiliar situations more cautiously. Some recover quickly after disappointment, while others experience emotions deeply and need more time to process them.

These differences are a normal part of development.

Researchers such as Mary Rothbart have shown that temperament reflects biologically based differences in emotional reactivity and self-regulation. These differences are present early in life and help explain why children can respond so differently to the very same experience (Rothbart, 2011).

Children with a naturally sensitive, cautious, or highly conscientious temperament are not destined to become perfectionists. However, because they often notice mistakes more readily, worry about disappointing others, or place high expectations on themselves, they may be more vulnerable to developing perfectionistic thinking under certain circumstances.

For example, a child who is naturally thoughtful and conscientious may become upset by even small mistakes because they genuinely care about doing things well. Another child with the same experience but a different temperament may simply shrug, laugh, and move on.

Neither response is “right” or “wrong.”

They simply reflect the unique ways children experience and respond to the world around them.

Understanding temperament reminds us that perfectionism is not simply learned, it develops through the interaction between who children are and the environments in which they grow.

Anxiety and Emotional Regulation

Perfectionism and anxiety often go hand in hand.

When children experience anxiety, uncertainty itself can feel uncomfortable.

Mistakes introduce uncertainty.

“What if I get it wrong?”

“What if everyone notices?”

“What if people think I’m not good enough?”

For some children, perfectionism becomes an attempt to reduce this uncertainty.

If they can do everything perfectly, perhaps they can avoid criticism, embarrassment, disappointment, or failure.

Although this strategy may provide temporary relief, it often increases anxiety over time.

Each success brings the pressure of maintaining the same standard, while each mistake feels increasingly significant.

Children are also still developing the brain networks responsible for emotional regulation, attention, and flexible thinking. Adele Diamond’s work on executive functioning reminds us that these skills continue developing throughout childhood and adolescence and are strongly influenced by emotional states (Diamond, 2013).

This means that what appears to adults as a “small mistake” may genuinely feel overwhelming to a child’s developing brain.

Rather than seeing children as overreacting, we can recognise that they are still learning one of life’s most challenging skills: managing difficult emotions without becoming overwhelmed by them.

As Stuart Shanker explains in his work on self-regulation, children’s behaviour is often best understood by asking not “Why won’t they?” but “What’s placing demands on their nervous system right now?” (Shanker, 2016).

This subtle shift moves us away from judgement and towards understanding.

Relationships Matter

Children develop their understanding of themselves through relationships.

Long before children can accurately evaluate their own abilities, they rely on the responses of trusted adults to help them interpret success, mistakes, and challenges.

Attachment theory, first developed by John Bowlby and later expanded through Mary Ainsworth’s research, reminds us that secure relationships provide children with a safe base from which they can explore, learn, and recover from setbacks (Bowlby, 1988; Ainsworth et al., 1978).

This does not mean parents or teachers create perfectionism.

In fact, many perfectionistic children grow up in warm, loving, and supportive families.

However, children are remarkably observant.

They notice not only what adults say to them, but also what adults say about themselves.

A parent who laughs after making a mistake and says,

“That didn’t go as planned! I’ll try again tomorrow,”

teaches something very different from a parent who regularly says,

“I always get everything wrong.”

Similarly, educators who respond calmly when children struggle communicate an important message:

Mistakes are expected.

Mistakes are manageable.

Mistakes are part of learning.

Children gradually internalise these experiences, developing beliefs not only about mistakes, but about themselves.

One of the most powerful gifts adults can offer is modelling self-compassion.

Kristin Neff’s research has shown that self-compassion (responding to ourselves with kindness during moments of difficulty) is associated with greater emotional resilience, lower anxiety, and healthier coping strategies (Neff, 2011).

Children do not need adults who never make mistakes.

They need adults who show them how to respond when mistakes inevitably happen.

School, Achievement and Performance

As children grow, opportunities for comparison naturally increase.

School introduces tests, grades, sporting competitions, performances, and increasing academic expectations. Even in classrooms that encourage collaboration, children quickly become aware of who finishes first, reads most fluently, or scores the highest marks.

For many children this is simply part of learning.

For others, particularly those who are already sensitive to mistakes, these comparisons can begin to shape how they view their own abilities.

Some children become reluctant to answer questions unless they are absolutely certain they are correct.

Others spend far longer than necessary completing assignments because “good enough” never feels good enough.

Some avoid difficult tasks entirely, preferring not to try than risk making a mistake.

Ironically, perfectionism can sometimes be mistaken for motivation.

The child who appears highly capable may also be the child who lies awake worrying about tomorrow’s spelling test, cries after receiving one incorrect answer, or spends hours rewriting homework that was already completed well.

Achievement alone does not tell us how a child is coping.

Looking beyond performance helps us better understand emotional wellbeing.

The Influence of Social Comparison

Comparing ourselves with others is a normal part of human development. Children naturally notice who runs the fastest, draws the neatest pictures, or wins the most games.

As they grow older, these comparisons often become more complex.

Thomas Curran argues that modern society increasingly encourages children and young people to evaluate themselves against exceptionally high, and often unrealistic, standards. Social media has amplified this experience by exposing children to carefully curated images of success, appearance, talent, and achievement (Curran, 2023).

It becomes easy to believe that everyone else is happier, smarter, more successful, or somehow “better.”

Over time, these comparisons can reinforce the belief that being good is no longer enough.

They must be the best.

Helping children recognise their own unique strengths, celebrate progress rather than perfection, and understand that everyone develops at their own pace can reduce the pressure created by constant comparison.

Executive Functioning and Flexible Thinking

Perfectionism is often discussed as an emotional issue, but thinking skills also play an important role.

Children rely on executive functioning to plan, solve problems, manage frustration, shift between ideas, and adapt when things do not go according to plan.

These skills continue developing well into early adulthood (Diamond, 2013).

When flexible thinking is still emerging, children may find it difficult to move beyond the idea that there is only one “right” answer or one “perfect” way to complete a task.

Similarly, children who are still developing emotional regulation may struggle to tolerate the disappointment that naturally accompanies learning something new.

This does not mean executive functioning difficulties cause perfectionism.

Rather, developing executive functioning skills influence how children respond when mistakes occur.

As children’s cognitive flexibility strengthens, they become increasingly able to consider alternative solutions, tolerate uncertainty, and recover from setbacks, skills that naturally support resilience.

What Does Perfectionism Look Like in Everyday Life?

When people hear the word perfectionism, they often imagine a child who excels academically, keeps their bedroom immaculate, or insists that everything be done “just right.”

Sometimes this is true.

Often, it is not.

Perfectionism can look very different from one child to another.

For some children, it means working tirelessly to achieve impossibly high standards.

For others, it means avoiding challenges altogether because the possibility of making a mistake feels too overwhelming.

Although these behaviours appear very different, they are often driven by the same underlying fear.

In everyday life, perfectionism might look like a child who:

• refuses to attempt something unless they know they can do it well

• repeatedly erases or restarts their work

• becomes highly distressed after making a small mistake

• asks for constant reassurance that they have done something correctly

• gives up quickly when a task becomes difficult

• avoids trying new activities

• spends excessive amounts of time completing homework

• becomes very upset if they lose a game or come second

• describes themselves as “stupid” or “not good enough” after minor setbacks

Younger children may express perfectionism through play, becoming upset when a tower falls, insisting a drawing be started again, or abandoning an activity because it doesn’t look exactly as they imagined.

Older children may become increasingly self-critical, procrastinate, or avoid situations where success is uncertain.

Because these behaviours can look so different, perfectionism sometimes goes unnoticed.

A child who works quietly for hours may receive praise for being diligent, while another who refuses to participate may be labelled unmotivated.

Yet both children may be experiencing the very same fear beneath the surface.

Understanding this helps us move away from asking,

“Why won’t they just try?”

and towards a much more helpful question:

“What feels so unsafe about making this mistake?”

What Is Happening Beneath the Surface?

When a child crumples up their drawing because one line isn’t straight, refuses to answer a question they might get wrong, or bursts into tears after losing a game, it’s easy to focus on the behaviour we can see.

Adults may think,

“They’re overreacting.”

“They’re giving up too easily.”

“They just need more confidence.”

While these observations describe the behaviour, they don’t explain what is driving it.

Like an iceberg, the visible behaviours are only a small part of the story.

Beneath the surface are emotions, beliefs, and nervous system responses that often remain hidden, not only from the adults around them, but sometimes from the child themselves.

Understanding what lies beneath perfectionism allows us to respond with empathy rather than frustration, curiosity rather than judgement, and connection rather than correction.

Figure 2. The Perfectionism Iceberg. Perfectionistic behaviours are often the visible expression of deeper emotions such as fear of failure, shame, anxiety, and self-doubt. Looking beneath the surface helps adults respond with empathy and support rather than focusing only on behaviour.

Fear of Failure

For many children, perfectionism is fuelled by a fear of failure.

Failure is not simply viewed as making a mistake.

It becomes a prediction about what that mistake means.

“If I get this wrong, everyone will think I’m stupid.”

“If I make a mistake, people won’t be proud of me.”

“If I can’t do this perfectly, maybe I’m just not good enough.”

Children are not born thinking this way.

These beliefs develop gradually through their experiences, temperament, and the meaning they attach to success and failure.

Instead of asking,

“What can I learn from this?”

children begin asking,

“What if I fail?”

Psychologists describe this as a shift from a mastery orientation, where learning is the goal, to a performance orientation, where avoiding failure becomes the priority (Dweck, 2006).

When avoiding failure becomes more important than learning, children naturally become less willing to take risks.

They may stop volunteering answers in class.

Avoid trying new activities.

Give up quickly when something feels difficult.

Or only participate when they are almost certain they will succeed.

Ironically, the more children avoid mistakes, the fewer opportunities they have to discover something incredibly important:

They are capable of recovering from them.

When Mistakes Become Personal

One of the defining features of perfectionism is that mistakes stop being something a child does and begin feeling like something they are.

There is a profound difference between thinking,

“I made a mistake,”

and believing,

“I am a failure.”

The first statement describes an event.

The second describes identity.

Research suggests that perfectionism is closely linked to contingent self-worth, the belief that our value depends on our performance, achievements, or the approval of others (Hewitt et al., 2017).

When children’s self-worth becomes closely tied to achievement, even small setbacks can feel deeply threatening.

A spelling mistake no longer means they spelt a word incorrectly.

It means they are “bad at school.”

A missed goal no longer means they missed one opportunity.

It means they are “bad at soccer.”

A drawing that doesn’t match the picture in their mind no longer represents a work in progress.

It becomes evidence that they “can’t draw.”

Over time, children may become their own harshest critics, judging themselves far more severely than the adults around them ever would.

This is where shame often begins to emerge.

Unlike guilt, which says “I did something wrong,” shame whispers, “There is something wrong with me.” Researcher Brené Brown has described shame as one of the most painful human emotions because it attacks our sense of worth and belonging rather than our behaviour (Brown, 2012).

Helping children separate who they are from what they do is one of the most important protective factors we can offer.

Mistakes should shape learning, not identity.

The Need for Certainty

Children naturally seek predictability.

Knowing what comes next helps them feel safe.

Mistakes introduce uncertainty.

Will I get it right?

What will people think?

Will I be disappointed?

Will someone laugh?

For children who struggle with perfectionism, uncertainty itself can become uncomfortable.

Perfectionism often develops as an attempt to create certainty.

“If I can do everything perfectly, maybe nothing bad will happen.”

Although understandable, this strategy is impossible to maintain.

Life is unpredictable.

Learning is messy.

Relationships are imperfect.

Growth involves setbacks.

The more children try to eliminate uncertainty, the more overwhelming ordinary challenges can become.

By contrast, resilience develops when children gradually discover that uncertainty is manageable.

Not because everything goes according to plan but because they learn they can cope when it doesn’t.

The Nervous System: When Mistakes Feel Like Danger

One of the most overlooked aspects of perfectionism is the role of the nervous system.

Adults often assume children become upset because they are choosing to overreact.

Developmental neuroscience suggests something quite different.

When children perceive a mistake as threatening, the brain may respond as though it has encountered danger.

The body’s stress response becomes activated.

Heart rate increases.

Muscles tense.

Breathing changes.

Thinking becomes less flexible.

Problem-solving becomes more difficult.

As Dan Siegel explains, when children move into a state of high emotional arousal, the brain becomes organised around protection rather than learning. During these moments, access to flexible thinking, reasoning, and problem-solving is temporarily reduced (Siegel & Bryson, 2020).

This helps explain why reassurance often has little effect during a meltdown.

When the nervous system feels unsafe, children cannot simply “think their way out” of the experience.

They first need to feel safe.

Figure 3. Connection → Regulation → Learning. When children feel emotionally safe and connected, their nervous system is better able to regulate stress and big emotions. This creates the foundation for flexible thinking, problem-solving, and learning. Rather than expecting children to learn while distressed, adults can support them by prioritising connection first.

This is where co-regulation becomes so important.

Through calm voices, warm relationships, and emotional connection, adults help children’s nervous systems return to a state where learning becomes possible again.

Only then can children begin reflecting, problem-solving, and considering what to do differently next time.

Supporting perfectionism therefore isn’t simply about changing children’s thoughts.

It is also about helping their brains and bodies learn that mistakes are safe enough to experience.

Perfectionism as Protection

Looking beneath the surface often reveals something surprising.

Perfectionism is rarely about wanting to be perfect.

More often, it is about trying to protect ourselves from emotions that feel too painful or overwhelming:

Embarrassment.

Disappointment.

Criticism.

Rejection.

Shame.

Failure.

From this perspective, perfectionism becomes a protective strategy.

It makes perfect sense.

If mistakes feel dangerous, then avoiding mistakes feels like the safest option.

The difficulty is that what protects children in the short term often limits them in the long term.

Avoiding mistakes may reduce anxiety today but it also reduces opportunities to build confidence tomorrow.

Helping children move beyond perfectionism is therefore not about convincing them to lower their standards.

It is about helping them discover that they can make mistakes, experience disappointment, feel frustrated and still be accepted, capable, loved, and worthy.

Why Play Matters

As a play therapist, I see this every day.

Play provides children with something that perfectionism often takes away: the freedom to experiment without fear.

Unlike many performance-based activities, play invites curiosity rather than evaluation.

A block tower falls.

The child rebuilds it.

A pretend recipe doesn’t work.

They invent a new one.

The marble misses the track.

They adjust it and try again.

Mistakes become information rather than evidence of failure.

Developmental play researchers, including Karen Stagnitti, have shown that pretend play supports children’s flexible thinking, problem-solving, emotional regulation, and resilience, skills that help children cope when things don’t go according to plan (Stagnitti, 2023).

Peter Gray has similarly argued that self-directed play gives children opportunities to take manageable risks, negotiate challenges, and develop confidence through their own experiences rather than external evaluation (Gray, 2013).

Perhaps this is why play feels so different.

There is no single correct answer.

No perfect outcome.

Children are free to imagine, experiment, adapt and begin again.

Within these playful moments they discover one of childhood’s most valuable lessons:

Mistakes are not the opposite of learning.

They are part of it.

Looking Beyond the Behaviour

When we begin to understand what sits beneath perfectionism, our responses naturally change.

Instead of asking,

“Why are they giving up?”

we ask,

“What feels so overwhelming right now?”

Instead of saying,

“It’s only a mistake,”

we recognise that, for the child, the mistake feels much bigger than the event itself.

And instead of trying to remove every challenge, we begin helping children develop something far more valuable.

The confidence that they can face challenges, recover from setbacks and keep going.

Because the opposite of perfectionism isn’t carelessness.

It’s courage.

The courage to try.

To learn.

To make mistakes.

And to discover that mistakes are not the end of the story.

They are often where growth begins.

How Adults Can Help

Children do not overcome perfectionism simply because they are told, “Don’t worry, everyone makes mistakes.”

Many children already know this.

The challenge is not a lack of understanding, it is that, emotionally, mistakes still feel overwhelming.

Supporting children who struggle with perfectionism therefore begins by creating environments where mistakes are viewed as an expected part of learning rather than something to fear.

The goal is not to lower children’s standards or discourage them from trying their best. Rather, it is to help them develop the confidence, flexibility, and emotional safety needed to cope when things don’t go according to plan.

Respond to the Emotion Before the Mistake

When children become upset after making a mistake, adults naturally want to solve the problem.

We might say,

“It’s okay.”

“It’s only a game.”

“Don’t worry about it.”

Although well intentioned, these responses can sometimes move too quickly past the child’s emotional experience.

Instead, begin by acknowledging how they are feeling.

For example:

“I can see you’re really disappointed.”

“You worked so hard on that.”

“That mistake feels really frustrating right now.”

Feeling understood helps calm the nervous system.

As Dan Siegel and Tina Payne Bryson explain, children are far more able to think, learn, and problem-solve when they first feel emotionally safe and connected (Siegel & Bryson, 2020).

Connection comes before correction.

Once children feel emotionally safe, they are much more able to reflect on what happened and consider trying again.

Celebrate Learning, Not Just Achievement

Children naturally enjoy praise and encouragement.

However, what we choose to notice matters.

When praise focuses only on outcomes:

“You’re so clever.”

“You’re amazing at drawing.”

“You’re the best reader.”

Children may begin believing that achievement is what earns approval.

Instead, try noticing the learning process.

“You kept trying even when it became difficult.”

“I noticed you changed your strategy.”

“You didn’t give up.”

“You were really patient while figuring that out.”

Research suggests that process-focused feedback helps children develop a greater willingness to embrace challenges and persist through setbacks because success becomes linked to learning rather than proving ability (Dweck, 2006).

Model Self-Compassion

Children learn a great deal from watching the adults around them.

They notice how we respond when we spill coffee, forget appointments, burn dinner, or make mistakes at work.

Adults who respond with humour, flexibility, and self-compassion demonstrate that mistakes are a normal part of everyday life.

For example:

“Oops… that didn’t go as planned.”

“Mistakes are part of learning. I’ll try a different way.”

“I wonder what I can learn from that?”

Kristin Neff’s research consistently shows that self-compassion is associated with greater resilience, emotional wellbeing, and healthier responses to failure, not only in adults, but also in children and adolescents who experience compassionate relationships (Neff, 2011).

Children don’t need adults who never make mistakes.

They need adults who show them what healthy recovery looks like.

Encourage Learning Over Perfection

Learning is rarely neat or predictable.

It involves experimenting, practising, making mistakes, adjusting, and trying again.

Children benefit when adults emphasise growth rather than flawless performance.

Instead of asking,

“Did you get them all right?”

consider asking,

“What was the most interesting thing you learned today?”

Instead of saying,

“You’re so smart,”

try,

“You worked really hard to solve that problem.”

These subtle shifts encourage children to value the learning process rather than simply chasing perfect results.

When Reassurance Stops Helping

Many perfectionistic children regularly ask:

“Is this right?”

“Did I do it properly?”

“Is it good enough?”

“Do you like it?”

Repeated reassurance feels helpful in the moment, but over time it can unintentionally reinforce a child’s belief that they cannot trust their own judgement.

Rather than answering immediately every time, adults can gently encourage children to reflect first.

“What do you think?”

“Are you happy with the effort you put in?”

“Does it feel finished to you?”

This isn’t about withholding support.

It’s about gradually helping children develop confidence in their own thinking rather than relying solely on external reassurance.

Let Children Experience Manageable Challenges

It can be tempting to protect children from situations where they may struggle.

However, confidence grows through experience, not by avoiding difficulty altogether.

Psychologist Lev Vygotsky described learning as being most effective when children are supported just beyond what they can do independently, an idea now commonly referred to as the Zone of Proximal Development (Vygotsky, 1978).

This is where scaffolding becomes so valuable.

Instead of solving the problem for the child, adults provide just enough support to help them succeed while gradually encouraging independence.

Each time children discover they can recover from a setback, their confidence grows.

Not because everything went perfectly but because they learned they could cope when it didn’t.

Create Emotional Safety

Perhaps the greatest gift adults can offer is emotional safety.

Children thrive when they know they are loved, accepted, and valued regardless of whether they succeed or struggle.

This doesn’t mean removing expectations or avoiding challenges.

It means creating relationships where children feel safe enough to ask questions, make mistakes, express uncertainty, and keep learning.

Secure relationships provide children with the confidence to explore the world, knowing they have someone to return to when things feel difficult, a central principle of attachment theory (Bowlby, 1988).

When children no longer fear that mistakes will change how others see them, they become far more willing to take healthy risks, persevere through challenges, and develop genuine confidence.

Figure 4. From Perfection to Courage. Supporting children to move beyond perfectionism is not about lowering expectations—it is about creating the emotional safety that allows them to embrace mistakes, build resilience, and develop confidence. When children feel accepted for who they are, courage naturally begins to grow.

Common Myths About Perfectionism

Myth	What Research Suggests
Perfectionism helps children succeed.	While it may increase effort in the short term, chronic perfectionism is consistently associated with higher anxiety, stress, burnout, and reduced wellbeing (Curran, 2023).
Children who are perfectionists simply need to relax.	Perfectionism is rarely a choice. It often reflects deeper fears about mistakes, failure, and self-worth.
Lowering expectations will solve perfectionism.	Children benefit from high expectations when they are paired with emotional support, flexibility, and realistic opportunities for growth.
Praise always builds confidence.	Process-focused encouragement is generally more effective than praise focused solely on outcomes (Dweck, 2006).
Perfectionism is a sign of confidence.	Many perfectionistic children appear highly capable while privately struggling with anxiety and self-doubt (Flett & Hewitt, 2002).

When Should Families Seek Additional Support?

Many children occasionally become upset when things don’t go their way.

This is a normal part of development.

However, additional support may be helpful if perfectionism begins to significantly affect a child’s emotional wellbeing, relationships, learning, or daily life.

Consider seeking guidance from a qualified health professional if your child regularly:

• avoids activities because they are afraid of making mistakes

• becomes extremely distressed after minor errors

• spends excessive amounts of time trying to make work “perfect”

• frequently seeks reassurance but never seems reassured

• gives up quickly when tasks become difficult

• avoids school, homework, performances, or sport because of fear of failure

• regularly describes themselves as “stupid,” “bad,” or “not good enough”

• appears increasingly anxious, withdrawn, or overwhelmed

Early support can help children develop healthier ways of responding to mistakes before perfectionistic patterns become more deeply established.

Key Takeaways

• Perfectionism is different from healthy striving.

• Children often become perfectionistic because mistakes feel emotionally unsafe, not because they simply want to be the best.

• Temperament, emotional development, relationships, life experiences, and environmental influences all contribute to how perfectionism develops.

• Beneath perfectionistic behaviours often lie fear, shame, uncertainty, and self-doubt.

• Play, co-regulation, supportive relationships, and emotional safety help children develop resilience and confidence.

• The goal is not to eliminate mistakes but to help children believe they can cope with them.

A Gentle Reminder

If your child struggles with perfectionism, it doesn’t mean you’ve done something wrong.

And it certainly doesn’t mean your child will always feel this way.

Many children who place enormous pressure on themselves are thoughtful, conscientious, sensitive, and deeply caring. These qualities are not weaknesses to be fixed. They are strengths that need support, patience, understanding, and compassion.

Children do not need adults who expect perfection.

They need adults who show them that mistakes are part of learning, that challenges can be faced one step at a time, and that their worth has never depended on flawless performance.

When children feel emotionally safe, they become more willing to ask questions, take healthy risks, try again after setbacks, and discover that mistakes do not define them.

Over time, they begin to trust something far more important than perfection.

They begin to trust themselves.

Because the goal isn’t to raise perfect children.

It’s to raise children who are curious enough to explore, brave enough to make mistakes, resilient enough to keep trying, and confident enough to know they are valued, not because of what they achieve, but because of who they are.

Continue the Conversation

If you’d like to explore this topic further, here are a few of my favourite books and podcasts for parents, professionals and children. These resources offer practical strategies, thoughtful insights, and gentle reminders that mistakes are an important part of learning and growing.

For Parents

• The Power of Showing Up – Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

• Self-Compassion – Kristin Neff

• Play to Progress – Karen Stagnitti

Books to Read with Children

• The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes – Mark Pett & Gary Rubinstein (a lovely story about perfectionism and discovering it’s okay to make mistakes)

• Beautiful Oops! – Barney Saltzberg (encourages creativity and seeing mistakes as opportunities)

• What Do You Do With a Problem? – Kobi Yamada (helps children build courage and confidence when facing challenges and uncertainty)

Recommended Podcasts

• The Child Psych Podcast – Dr Tammy Schamuhn

• The Whole-Brain Child Podcast – Dr Daniel J. Siegel & Dr Tina Payne Bryson

• The Play Strong Podcast – Karen Stagnitti

Disclaimer: This article is intended for educational purposes only and should not replace individual advice from a qualified health professional. If you have concerns about your child’s emotional wellbeing or development, please consult your GP, paediatrician, psychologist, or registered play therapist.

References

Ainsworth, M. D. S., Blehar, M. C., Waters, E., & Wall, S. (1978). Patterns of attachment: A psychological study of the strange situation. Lawrence Erlbaum.

Bowlby, J. (1988). A secure base: Parent-child attachment and healthy human development. Basic Books.

Brown, B. (2012). Daring greatly: How the courage to be vulnerable transforms the way we live, love, parent, and lead. Gotham Books.

Curran, T. (2023). The perfection trap: Embracing the power of good enough. Simon & Schuster.

Diamond, A. (2013). Executive functions. Annual Review of Psychology, 64, 135–168.

Dweck, C. S. (2006). Mindset: The new psychology of success. Random House.

Flett, G. L., & Hewitt, P. L. (Eds.). (2002). Perfectionism: Theory, Research, and Treatment. American Psychological Association.

Gray, P. (2013). Free to Learn: Why unleashing the instinct to play will make our children happier, more self-reliant, and better students for life. Basic Books.

Hewitt, P. L., Flett, G. L., & Mikail, S. F. (2017). Perfectionism: A relational approach to conceptualization, assessment, and treatment. Guilford Press.

Neff, K. D. (2011). Self-compassion: The proven power of being kind to yourself. William Morrow.

Rothbart, M. K. (2011). Becoming who we are: Temperament and personality in development. Guilford Press.

Shanker, S. (2016). Self-Reg: How to help your child (and you) break the stress cycle and successfully engage with life. Penguin Random House Canada.

Siegel, D. J. (2020). The developing mind (3rd ed.). Guilford Press.

Siegel, D. J., & Bryson, T. P. (2020). The Power of Showing Up. Ballantine Books.

Stagnitti, K. (2024). Play to Progress: Lead the Way to Better Outcomes for Children. Routledge.

Vygotsky, L. S. (1978). Mind in society: The development of higher psychological processes. Harvard University Press.