How Do We Build Confidence in Children?

Think about something you feel confident doing.

Perhaps you can drive somewhere without thinking twice about the route.

Maybe you can cook a meal you’ve made many times, speak confidently about something you know well, or use a skill you’ve practised over and over again.

Now think about something completely new.

Something you’ve never done before. Perhaps you don’t know what to expect, you’re not sure whether you’ll be good at it, and you don’t know what might happen if you make a mistake.

Do you feel quite as confident?

Probably not.

You might hesitate. You might watch someone else first. You might ask questions. You might even think, “I’m not sure I can do this.”

And this is something worth remembering when we think about children’s confidence.

➡️ Confidence often comes after competence, not before it.

We tend to feel confident about things we know how to do. Our previous experiences give us evidence that we are capable. We have tried, practised, made mistakes, learned something and perhaps succeeded.

Over time, our brain begins to recognise:

I’ve done this before.

I know what to expect.

I know I can manage it.

Children need these experiences too.

Confidence is not something that children are simply born with.

Some children may have a naturally more adventurous or outgoing temperament, while others may be more cautious, observant or slow to warm up.

Temperament influences how readily a child approaches something unfamiliar, but confidence itself develops through relationships, experiences, practice and opportunities to discover what they are capable of.

This is why telling a child, “You’re confident!” or “You can do it!” isn’t always enough.

Sometimes a child needs something more valuable than reassurance.

➡️ They need the opportunity to experience themselves as capable.

Confidence doesn’t mean never feeling nervous

It can be tempting to think that a confident child is one who happily walks into a new room, joins a new group, tries every activity and isn’t worried about making mistakes.

But confidence doesn’t necessarily look like that.

A confident child can still feel nervous.

They can still hesitate.

They can still say:

“I don’t know how to do this.”

“I’m scared.”

“Can you stay with me?”

“What if I get it wrong?”

The developing confidence may be found in what comes next:

➡️ “I’m not sure, but I’ll have a try.”

This is an important distinction.

Our goal isn’t to raise children who never experience uncertainty or discomfort. We can’t, and shouldn’t, remove every difficult feeling from childhood.

Instead, we want children to gradually develop the experience that difficult feelings can be managed, new things can be approached in small steps, mistakes can be survived, and support is available when they need it.

That takes time.

Children’s brains are developing throughout childhood, including the systems involved in regulating emotions, planning, considering consequences, managing uncertainty and solving problems. These capacities develop through childhood and adolescence and are strengthened through relationships and experiences.

What feels like a small and manageable challenge to an adult can feel much bigger to a young child who doesn’t yet have the same developmental capacity to understand, “I’ve never done this before, but I’m probably going to be okay.”

This is one reason why simply saying:

“Don’t be scared. Go on! You can do it!”

may not be the most helpful response.

The child may not need us to convince them that there is nothing to worry about.

They may first need us to help them make sense of what feels unfamiliar.

➡️ Before confidence comes familiarity

Imagine that your child is about to start swimming lessons.

For you, it might seem straightforward. You know where the swimming centre is. You understand what a swimming lesson involves. You know there will be a teacher, other children, changing rooms and a pool.

For your child, all of this may be completely new.

And when we encounter something unfamiliar, our brain doesn’t immediately know whether it is safe, unsafe, easy or difficult. Our alert systems are designed to notice potential threats and prepare us to respond before we have all the information we need.

This is a protective system, not a flaw.

For young children, this response can be particularly strong because the brain systems that help us regulate emotions, put experiences into perspective and think through what might happen next are still developing.

So while an adult might think:

“It’s just swimming lessons. There’s nothing to worry about.”

a child’s brain may be thinking:

“I don’t know this place.”

“I don’t know these people.”

“I don’t know what they’re going to ask me to do.”

“I don’t know what is going to happen next.”

➡️ Before the brain can learn, “I’m going to be okay”, it may first ask, “Is this safe?”

And that’s why familiarity can be so powerful.

Rather than beginning with:

“Come on! You can do it! You’re going to be fine!”

we can begin with connection and curiosity:

“This is a new place. I wonder what it will be like. Let’s have a look together.”

Perhaps you could visit the swimming centre before the first lesson without expecting your child to participate.

You might watch another group of children swimming.

You could meet the teacher.

You could look at the pool.

You could talk about where you will get changed and what will happen when the lesson starts.

You might even drive past the centre a few times before the first lesson.

None of these experiences may look particularly significant to an adult.

But for a child, they are building familiarity and safe experiences.

I’ve seen this place before.

I know that teacher.

I know where we go.

I know what happens next.

The unknown is gradually becoming known.

And this is one of the ways we help a child’s brain move from “I don’t know what this is” towards “I’ve experienced this before, and I know I can manage it.”

Australian guidance on childhood anxiety similarly recommends acknowledging children’s fears and gradually supporting them to approach unfamiliar situations, rather than simply telling them not to be anxious.

And when the first lesson arrives, the child doesn’t suddenly have to manufacture confidence from nowhere. They have already had several experiences that tell their brain:

“I know this place.

I have been here before.

I have someone safe with me.

I can take the next step.”

Perhaps they still feel nervous.

That’s okay.

We can say:

“I know this is new, and it feels a little scary. I’m here with you. We can take it one step at a time.”

We are not teaching the child that they must never feel anxious.

We are teaching them that they can experience anxiety and still be supported while they work out what they can do.

And every manageable experience adds another piece of evidence.

I went inside.

I met the teacher.

I watched the class.

I got into the water.

I tried something new.

I was nervous, and I managed it.

This is how confidence begins to grow.

➡️ Remember: Confidence often comes after competence, not before it.

Not every child approaches the world in the same way

If confidence grows through experience, it is important to remember that children don’t all approach new experiences in the same way.

Some children seem ready to jump straight in.

They walk into a new room, introduce themselves to another child and start playing as though they’ve been there before.

Other children prefer to stand back and watch.

Your child might hold your hand, observe what everyone else is doing, ask lots of questions or need several opportunities to become comfortable before joining in.

And some children may want to try something very much, but become overwhelmed by the uncertainty of not knowing how it will go.

These differences are not necessarily a sign that one child is confident and another isn’t.

They are partly related to temperament, the individual differences in how children tend to react to and approach the world. Research from the Australian Temperament Project has identified differences in children’s sociability, emotional reactivity and persistence from early in life. These characteristics can influence how your child responds to unfamiliar people, situations, frustration and challenges.

Your child may naturally be cautious and need more time before trying something new.

They may experience frustration or uncertainty very intensely.

They may find it difficult to persist when something becomes challenging.

None of these characteristics tells us what your child will be capable of.

Temperament provides a starting point, but experiences and relationships matter too.

Australian research has found that children’s temperament can interact with their environment, and that warm, supportive parenting can help children who are more hesitant or shy become more comfortable over time.

So rather than asking, “How do I make my child more confident?”, it can be more helpful to ask: “What does my child need in order to feel safe enough to try?”

For some children, that might mean more preparation.

For others, it might mean having a familiar adult nearby.

Some children need to watch first. Others need to practise before they are ready to participate.

The goal isn’t to change your child’s temperament.

➡️The goal is to help your child develop confidence in their own way.

“I do it!”

There is another reason confidence and competence are so closely connected to development.

As your child becomes more independent, you may notice an increasing determination to do things for themselves.

You may have heard the familiar:

“I do it!”

Your child wants to pour the water.

“I do it!”

They want to put their shoes on.

“I do it!”

They want to decide which game everyone is going to play.

These moments can be messy, slow and sometimes frustrating for adults.

But developmentally, they are important.

Erik Erikson described the preschool years as a period of initiative versus guilt, when children are increasingly motivated to initiate activities, explore, play, make plans and see what they can make happen. When their attempts are supported, children can develop a growing sense of purpose; when their efforts are repeatedly criticised or discouraged, they may begin to feel that their ideas and attempts are wrong.

Think about what happens when your child says:

“I can do it myself!”

and you respond:

“No, you’ll make a mess. Let me do it.”

Sometimes, of course, you really do need to step in. There are safety issues, time pressures and situations where you need to help.

But if your child rarely has opportunities to try, they also have fewer opportunities to discover:

“I can do this.”

That discovery matters.

Because confidence doesn’t grow from being told that we are capable.

➡️ It grows when we have experiences that allow us to find out that we are capable.

From “I can try” to “I can do this”

As your child moves into the school years, their world expands.

They are learning new academic skills, developing friendships, participating in sports and activities, and becoming increasingly aware of what other children can do.

This is where Erikson’s next stage, industry versus inferiority, provides another useful lens.

Your child begins to ask, in different ways:

“Can I do this?”

“Am I good at this?”

“Can I learn this?”

“How do I compare with other children?”

Erikson proposed that children in this stage are developing a sense of competence through learning and mastering skills. When children experience success and opportunities to develop their abilities, they can develop a sense of industry and competence. Repeated experiences of failure or feeling inadequate in comparison with others can contribute to feelings of inferiority.

This is where our central idea becomes particularly important.

Your child doesn’t need to walk into a new activity already thinking:

“I’m going to be good at this.”

They need opportunities to experience:

“I tried.”

“I practised.”

“I made a mistake.”

“I tried another way.”

“I got a little better.”

“I can do something today that I couldn’t do before.”

➡️ Those experiences gradually build a sense of competence.

And competence gives confidence something to stand on.

When trying becomes frightening

Of course, your child doesn’t always experience challenges this way.

For some children, the possibility of getting something wrong can feel so uncomfortable that they would rather not try at all.

Your child might say:

“I’m not doing it.”

“I can’t.”

“I’m no good at this.”

Or they may simply walk away.

Sometimes this is ordinary frustration. Your child may be tired, lose interest or decide they would rather play something else. That’s part of childhood too.

But sometimes there is something else underneath the behaviour.

Your child may desperately want to participate but be worried about failing.

They may be afraid other children will laugh.

They may be worried about being watched.

They may feel that everyone else is better than them.

They may have developed such high expectations of themselves that making a mistake feels unbearable.

➡️ And when the possibility of failure feels bigger than the possibility of success, not trying can feel safer than trying.

This is important because adults can easily interpret avoidance as laziness, stubbornness or a lack of confidence.

But sometimes your child isn’t saying:

“I don’t want to do this.”

They may be communicating:

“I don’t know if I can cope with how I’ll feel if I can’t do this.”

That is a very different starting point.

And it is one of the reasons we need to look beneath behaviour rather than simply pushing your child to try harder.

We don’t build confidence by removing every challenge

It can be tempting to make things easier for your child whenever you see them struggling.

You might finish the puzzle for them.

Tie their shoelaces.

Speak for them.

Fix the tower.

Tell them the answer.

Or decide that perhaps they shouldn’t try the activity because it is clearly too difficult.

Sometimes support is exactly what your child needs.

➡️ But there is a difference between supporting your child through a challenge and removing every opportunity for challenge.

Children need manageable experiences of difficulty.

They need to discover:

“This was hard, but I kept going.”

“I didn’t know how, so I asked for help.”

“My first idea didn’t work, so I tried another one.”

“I made a mistake, and nothing terrible happened.”

“I couldn’t do it yet, but I learned.”

These experiences are the building blocks of competence.

And gradually, your child begins to carry those experiences with them.

The next time something is difficult, they don’t have to know for certain that they will succeed.

➡️ They have something even more useful:

evidence that they can learn, adapt, try again and cope with difficulty.

That is the kind of confidence we want to nurture.

Not:

“I’m always going to be good at this.”

But:

“I can have a go, even when I’m not sure.”

So, how do we actually build confidence?

If confidence grows through experience, what can we do to give children more opportunities to experience themselves as capable?

The answer isn’t to constantly tell your child, “You can do it!”

And it isn’t to push them into situations before they’re ready.

It is about creating opportunities for your child to try, practise, participate, solve problems and gradually discover what they can do.

Here are some simple ways this can happen in everyday life:

1. Give your child time to do things for themselves

When your child says:

“I do it!” it can be tempting to think about how much faster it would be if you just did it for them.

But when we do everything for our children, we also remove opportunities for them to experience:

“I can do this.”

Whenever it is safe and practical, give your child time to participate in everyday tasks.

Let them try to put on their shoes.

Let them pour their own water.

Let them carry their lunchbox.

Let them help prepare food.

Let them choose between two appropriate options.

Let them have a turn before you step in.

It may take longer.

There may be spills.

There may be mistakes.

That’s okay.

➡️ The goal isn’t efficiency. The goal is experience.

Your child is collecting evidence about themselves:

I can try.

I can learn.

I can do things for myself.

I can ask for help when I need it.

Those small experiences become part of the foundation of confidence.

2. Resist the urge to rescue too quickly

When your child is struggling, your first instinct may be to help.

And sometimes they genuinely need help.

But there is often a useful space between “do it for me” and “figure it out completely on your own.”

That space is where we can support without taking over.

Imagine your child is building a tower and it keeps falling.

You could immediately rebuild it for them.

Or you could pause and say:

“Hmm, it keeps falling. What do you think we could try?”

Maybe your child has an idea.

Maybe they don’t.

You might offer one small suggestion:

“I wonder what would happen if we put the bigger blocks underneath?”

Then let your child try.

This is sometimes called scaffolding, giving enough verbal support for your child to take the next step while still allowing them to do as much as they can independently.

When your child eventually works it out, the experience belongs to them.

They solved the problem.

And that matters.

3. Break new experiences into smaller steps

When something is completely new, the first step doesn’t have to be participation.

It might be looking.

Then watching.

Then visiting.

Then practising.

Then trying.

This is particularly helpful when your child feels anxious about unfamiliar experiences.

If your child is nervous about joining a new activity, you might:

• look at photos of the place together

• talk about what will happen

• visit before the first session

• meet the educator, coach or teacher

• watch another class

• practise part of the activity at home

• have a familiar person nearby when they first participate

This doesn’t mean avoiding the activity because your child is nervous.

It means helping them approach it in manageable steps.

For children experiencing anxiety, gradual exposure to situations that feel worrying can help them build new experiences of safety and learn that they can manage what previously felt overwhelming.

Each step gives your child’s brain another piece of information:

“I’ve done this part before.”

And eventually:

“I think I can do the next part too.”

4. Acknowledge the feeling before encouraging the action

This is particularly important when your child is nervous.

Imagine your child is standing outside a new activity and doesn’t want to go inside.

We might instinctively say:

“Don’t be scared!”

“Come on, you can do it!”

“You’re going to be fine!”

We mean this lovingly.

But before your child can hear our encouragement, they may need to feel that we understand what is happening for them.

Try:

“This is a new place, and you’re feeling nervous.”

“You don’t know what it’s going to be like yet.”

“I’m here with you.”

And then:

“Let’s work out what the first little step could be.”

According to a research from Harvard Developing Child Center, acknowledging a feeling doesn’t mean agreeing that something is dangerous.

It means helping your child feel understood while they work out what to do next.

Responsive relationships are an important foundation for children’s development, and responsive back-and-forth interactions help children develop the social and emotional capacities they need to manage experiences and learn.

➡️ Sometimes connection comes before courage.

5. Notice the process, not just the outcome

We often celebrate the final result.

“You won!”

“You got it right!”

“You’re so clever!”

There is nothing wrong with celebrating success.

But if we want to build a child’s sense of competence, it is also important to notice what they did to get there.

You might say:

“You kept trying different ways until you worked it out.”

“You were nervous, but you walked into the room.”

“You practised that many times, and now you can do it.”

“You noticed that wasn’t working and tried something different.”

“You asked for help when you needed it.”

Australian guidance (raising children network) recommends descriptive praise and encouragement that focuses on effort, improvement and what children have actually done, rather than only on being successful or being “the best”.

This helps your child notice their own role in the process.

Instead of thinking:

“I’m good at this.”

they begin to develop something more useful:

“I know how to learn.”

6. Let your child see you make mistakes

Confidence doesn’t come from believing that you will always get things right.

Your child also needs to learn that mistakes are part of learning.

So let them see you make mistakes too.

You might say:

“Oops, I put that in the wrong place.”

“That didn’t work. I’ll try another way.”

“I don’t know how to do this yet. Let’s work it out.”

➡️ You are modelling something powerful: Being capable doesn’t mean being perfect.

It means being willing to learn.

This can be particularly important for children who become very upset when they make mistakes or who avoid activities because they are worried they won’t be good at them.

7. Give your child opportunities to be genuinely responsible

➡️ Confidence grows when children experience that their actions matter.

Look for small, age-appropriate responsibilities that are meaningful rather than simply giving your child tasks for the sake of keeping them busy.

Your child might:

• help set the table

• water the plants

• feed a pet with supervision

• choose which book to read

• help prepare their lunch

• put their belongings away

• help a younger child with something they already know how to do

• contribute an idea to a family decision

In an early childhood setting, children might help arrange the environment, choose materials, take responsibility for part of a routine or contribute ideas to a group experience.

These experiences communicate:

“You are capable.”

But even more importantly:

“What you do makes a difference.”

8. Give children opportunities to practise social confidence

Confidence isn’t only about physical or academic skills.

For many children, the difficult part is joining other children.

Your child might want to play but not know how to enter an established game.

Rather than speaking for them immediately, you can help them practise.

At home, you might role-play:

“What could you say if you wanted to join?”

Perhaps:

“Can I play too?”

Or:

“What are you playing?”

Or simply:

“Can I have a turn when you’re finished?”

You can also practise these skills through pretend play.

Puppets are a great way to role-model different situations, perhaps one puppet wants to join another child who is already playing, and your child can practise what they might say, or take turns being the child who is already playing and the one who wants to join.

This gives your child a safe and playful way to practise social skills before trying them in real life.

Then, when the opportunity arises, give your child time to try.

You can stay nearby without taking over.

If it doesn’t work the first time, that doesn’t mean your child has failed.

It means they are learning a social skill.

And just like learning to ride a bike, learning to read or learning to swim, social confidence develops through practice too.

9. Don’t confuse encouragement with pressure

This may be one of the most important distinctions in the whole conversation about confidence.

There is a difference between saying:

“I know this is hard. I’m here with you. Let’s take the next step together.”

and:

“Come on! You have to do it. There’s nothing to be scared of!”

Both statements are intended to encourage.

➡️ But one creates support, while the other can feel like pressure.

When we push too hard, your child may learn:

“My feelings are a problem.”

“I have to do this to make Mum or Dad happy.”

“If I can’t do it, I’ve disappointed them.”

Instead, we can hold two things at the same time:

“I understand that you’re nervous.”

and

“I believe you can gradually learn to manage this.”

We don’t have to choose between protecting our children from every difficult feeling and pushing them through those feelings.

There is a middle ground: supporting them to take manageable steps.

And sometimes, children need more than encouragement

There will be times when these strategies are enough.

Your child may need a little more preparation, some practice and a few successful experiences before they feel comfortable.

But sometimes anxiety becomes so strong that it starts to limit your child’s life.

Your child may stop participating in activities they previously enjoyed.

They may avoid joining other children.

They may refuse to try things they are capable of doing.

They may become extremely distressed about making mistakes or being watched.

Or they may repeatedly say “I can’t” even when you know they have the skills.

This is where it can be helpful to look beyond the question:

“How do I make my child more confident?”

and ask:

“What is getting in the way of my child’s confidence?”

Sometimes the answer is anxiety, perfectionism, fear of failure, sensory overwhelm, developmental differences, previous experiences of difficulty, or something else that needs to be understood and supported.

If anxiety is consistently stopping your child from participating in activities, friendships, learning or everyday experiences, seeking support from an appropriately qualified professional can be an important next step. You don’t have to wait until your child’s world becomes very small before asking for help. (Raising Children Network⁠)

The aim isn’t to remove every anxious feeling.

It is to help your child understand those feelings, feel supported through them and gradually discover:

“I can manage this.”

When anxiety gets in the way of confidence

Sometimes a child has the skills.

They may even be very good at something.

And yet, when the situation changes, anxiety can become so strong that they stop doing something they once enjoyed.

Imagine a child who loves dancing.

They dance happily at home.

They enjoy their classes and feel proud of what they can do.

Then their teacher suggests entering a competition.

Suddenly, dancing feels different.

There may be an audience watching.

There may be other children to compare themselves with.

There may be the possibility of forgetting the steps, making a mistake or not being good enough.

The child might begin to think:

“What if I forget?”

“What if everyone looks at me?”

“What if I’m not as good as the other children?”

And eventually, they might decide:

“I don’t want to dance anymore.”

From the outside, this can look like a child who has lost confidence.

But perhaps they haven’t lost their ability.

Anxiety has become bigger than their confidence.

Anxiety can lead children to avoid situations that make them feel worried or afraid, and when avoidance becomes a pattern, children can miss opportunities to discover that they are capable of managing those situations. (Raising Children Network⁠)

This is why it can be helpful to look underneath the behaviour.

When your child says:

“I don’t want to go.”

we might immediately assume:

“They don’t like it anymore.”

But sometimes the more useful question is:

“Does my child genuinely not want to do this, or do they want to do it but feel too anxious to try?”

Those are very different things.

When “I can’t” really means “I’m scared”

Children don’t always have the words to explain what is happening inside them.

Your child might say:

“I can’t.”

“I don’t want to.”

“I’m not doing it.”

“I’m no good at this.”

But underneath those words might be:

“I’m scared I’ll get it wrong.”

“I’m worried people will laugh at me.”

“I don’t know what will happen.”

“I don’t think I can cope if I fail.”

“Everyone else seems better than me.”

For some children, particularly those who are sensitive to mistakes or have very high expectations of themselves, the possibility of failure can become so uncomfortable that avoiding the activity feels safer than trying.

And this can create a difficult cycle.

Anxiety → avoidance → temporary relief → fewer opportunities to practise → less confidence → more anxiety the next time.

When your child avoids the situation, they may feel better in that moment.

But they also don’t get the opportunity to discover:

“I was nervous, but I managed it.”

“I made a mistake, and it was okay.”

“I wasn’t as bad as I thought I would be.”

“I can cope with being watched.”

This is one reason gradual approaches to anxiety can be so helpful. The Australian Raising Children Network describes a “stepladder” approach in which children gradually face situations that cause increasing levels of anxiety, allowing them to practise and build new experiences of managing what previously felt difficult.

But pushing harder isn’t always the answer

When we see our child avoiding something they are capable of doing, it can be tempting to push.

“But you love dancing!”

“You know how to do this!”

“You’re so good at it!”

“You just need to be brave.”

We may even think that if we encourage them strongly enough, they will realise there is nothing to worry about.

But anxiety doesn’t always respond to logic.

And if the child already feels overwhelmed, more pressure can make the experience feel even bigger.

Instead, we can become curious.

“I’ve noticed that you don’t want to dance anymore. I wonder if the competition feels different from your usual dancing?”

“Is there something about performing that feels scary?”

“What part feels hardest?”

This gives your child an opportunity to tell us what is actually happening.

Perhaps they don’t want to compete.

Perhaps they are afraid of making a mistake.

Perhaps they don’t like being watched.

Perhaps they are worried about disappointing their teacher.

Or perhaps the competition has simply changed something they previously experienced as fun into something that now feels like a test.

Once we understand what is underneath the avoidance, we can think about what support is needed.

Sometimes the next step needs to be much smaller

If your child is anxious about performing, the answer doesn’t necessarily have to be:

“Okay, let’s enter the competition.”

The next step might be much smaller.

Perhaps your child watches a competition.

Then watches a friend perform.

Then practises the dance at home.

Then performs for one trusted person.

Then for a small group.

Then perhaps participates in a less formal performance.

The exact steps will depend on your child, their age and what is making the situation difficult.

The important part is that we aren’t asking them to leap from “This feels terrifying” to “Now perform in front of everyone.”

We are helping them build a bridge between the two.

And each successful step provides another experience:

“I can do this.”

This is very different from forcing a child through their fear.

We are not trying to prove that their fear is silly.

We are helping them discover, gradually and safely, that the feeling of anxiety does not necessarily mean they are unable to cope.

When should we seek extra support?

Not every child who refuses an activity needs professional help.

Children change their minds.

They lose interest.

They discover that something isn’t for them.

They get tired.

They may simply decide they would rather do something else.

That’s part of growing up.

What is more concerning is when anxiety repeatedly limits your child’s life.

For example, your child might:

• stop participating in activities they previously enjoyed

• avoid trying things they are capable of doing

• become extremely distressed about making mistakes

• avoid situations where they might be watched or judged

• find it increasingly difficult to join other children

• need constant reassurance before attempting something

• experience physical symptoms such as stomach aches or headaches around particular situations

• have anxiety that interferes with friendships, play, learning or family life.

Australian guidance recommends seeking professional support when anxiety is significantly affecting a child’s enjoyment of life or interfering with everyday activities, friendships, schoolwork or family life.

This doesn’t mean something is “wrong” with your child.

It means their feelings may have become too big for them to manage on their own, and they may benefit from having someone help them understand those feelings and develop ways to cope.

A GP, psychologist, counsellor, play therapist or another appropriately qualified professional may be able to help, depending on your child’s needs and the type of difficulty they are experiencing.

And the earlier we notice that anxiety is beginning to shrink a child’s world, the more opportunities we have to support them before avoidance becomes deeply established.

Confidence doesn’t mean doing everything that scares us

There is one final point that is important here.

We don’t want to teach children that they have to do everything that makes them anxious.

Sometimes saying “No, I don’t want to do that” is a healthy choice.

Confidence also includes knowing your own limits, asking for help and recognising when something isn’t right for you.

The goal is not:

“I must never feel anxious.”

It is:

“I can understand what I’m feeling, ask for support and work out what I want to do next.”

And sometimes that next step will be trying.

Sometimes it will be practising.

Sometimes it will be taking a break.

And sometimes it will be asking for help.

That is confidence too.

Because confidence isn’t about believing that you will always succeed.

It is about developing the belief that whatever happens, you have ways to respond.

And once again, we come back to our central idea:

➡️ Confidence often comes after competence, not before it.

But when anxiety is preventing your child from having the experiences that could build that competence, they may need us to slow down, understand what is getting in the way and help them find a manageable first step.

Play: a place to practise being capable

If confidence grows through experience, then play gives children an extraordinary opportunity to build it.

When your child plays, they are constantly making decisions, testing ideas, solving problems, taking on challenges and discovering what happens when they try something different.

A block tower falls, and they build it again.

Something doesn’t work, and they try another way.

They decide what happens next in their story.

They create the rules.

They become the person who knows what to do.

These experiences might look like ordinary play to us, but they give children opportunities to practise agency, problem-solving, persistence and mastery.

And sometimes the most confidence-building thing we can do during play is not take over.

We don’t always need to show your child how to build the tower or fix the problem. We can stay interested and available while allowing them to lead:

“I wonder what you’ll try next.”

“That didn’t work the way you expected.”

“What could you do differently?”

When children have space to lead their play, they get opportunities to experience themselves as capable.

And that experience matters.

Your relationship is part of the confidence-building process

There is another piece underneath everything we have talked about: relationship.

Children are more able to explore when they have an adult they can return to for comfort, reassurance and support.

This is beautifully represented in the Circle of Security, where the caregiver provides both a secure base from which the child can explore and a safe haven to return to when they need connection, comfort or help.

Think about a young child at the playground.

They run towards the climbing equipment.

Then they look back.

Is Mum still there?

Is Dad watching?

Is the educator nearby?

They might run back for a cuddle and then head off again.

➡️ That movement between exploring and returning isn’t a sign that the child isn’t confident. It is part of how confidence develops.

Your child doesn’t need to feel completely independent before they explore. Sometimes they can explore because they know they don’t have to be completely independent.

They know there is someone there.

Someone who will notice.

Someone who will help.

Someone who will comfort them when something goes wrong.

Someone who believes in their ability to keep growing.

This is important for educators too. A child may look towards you before joining an activity, check that you are nearby before trying something challenging, or return to you for reassurance after something doesn’t work.

Rather than seeing this as a child who is too dependent, we can sometimes understand it as: “Are you there while I go and explore?”

A warm, reliable relationship can become a secure base from which children feel safe enough to take the small risks that help them learn and grow.

What are we really building?

When we talk about building confidence, it can sound as though confidence itself is the goal.

But perhaps what we are really helping your child develop is a growing belief that:

I can try.

I can learn.

I can make mistakes.

I can ask for help.

I can try another way.

I don’t have to be perfect.

These beliefs don’t develop because we repeat them often enough.

They develop because your child has experiences that make them true.

And this is why confidence doesn’t need to come first.

Your child doesn’t need to feel confident before they begin.

➡️ They need opportunities to experience themselves as capable, with enough support to take the next manageable step.

So, how do we build confidence?

Perhaps the answer is not by telling children to be more confident.

It is by creating the conditions in which confidence has room to grow.

We prepare them when something is new.

We acknowledge their feelings.

We give them manageable challenges.

We allow them to practise and make mistakes.

We resist rescuing too quickly.

We notice progress rather than expecting perfection.

We stay close when they need us and give them space when they are ready to explore.

And when something feels too big, we become curious rather than simply saying:

“Come on. You can do it.”

We ask:

“What would help you take the next step?”

Sometimes that step will be very small.

That’s okay.

Confidence doesn’t have to arrive all at once.

If anxiety, fear of failure or another difficulty is repeatedly stopping your child from participating in activities, friendships, learning or everyday experiences, seeking support from an appropriately qualified professional can also be part of helping confidence grow.

Because sometimes the barrier isn’t a lack of ability.

It’s that something is getting in the way of your child being able to experience their ability.

And perhaps the most important thing we can remember is this:

➡️ Confidence often comes after competence, not before it.

We don’t have to wait for children to feel confident before giving them opportunities to learn.

We can give them safe, supported experiences of trying, practising, struggling, succeeding and beginning again.

And somewhere along the way, they discover:

“I can do things I couldn’t do before.”

That is where confidence grows.

Books for Parents

• Real Kids in an Unreal World — Maggie Dent

• The Whole-Brain Child — Daniel J. Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson

Books to Read With Children

• The Dot — Peter H. Reynolds

• The Most Magnificent Thing — Ashley Spires

• The Girl Who Never Made Mistakes — Mark Pett & Gary Rubinstein

References

Australian Institute of Family Studies. Vassallo, S. & Sanson, A. (Eds.). (2013). The Australian Temperament Project: The First 30 Years. Melbourne: Australian Institute of Family Studies.

Australian Institute of Family Studies. The Australian Temperament Centre on the Developing Child at Harvard University. Executive Function & Self-Regulation.

Center on the Developing Child at Harvard University. A Guide to Serve & Return: How Your Interaction with Children Can Build Brains.

Raising Children Network. Self-esteem in children 1–8 years.

Raising Children Network. Stepladder approach: child & teen anxiety.

Raising Children Network. Praise for kids & teens: why, how & when to use it.

Erikson, E. H. (1963). Childhood and Society (2nd ed.). New York: W. W. Norton.